This Week in the Mercury

Hall Monitor

News

Hall Monitor

A Funding Fight, Deferred


I, Anonymous

Thursday, September 9, 2010

SL Letters of the Day: My Tits Are Perfect—What's Wrong With My Game?

Posted by Dan Savage on Thu, Sep 9, 2010 at 1:28 PM

I am a straight guy in my mid-twenties and I love reading your column! My problem is that I can't seem to attract/keep women. At bars I am lucky to get past, "Hi I'm so and so!", or, "Hey, do you want to dance?"

And I can actually dance—isn't that supposed to be a plus?

And when I do actually get a date it RARELY gets past the first date—and I can cook, isn't that a plus too?—and the longest girlfriend I ever had was for just a few months and she was about as personable as a dead mime. So now I find myself a twenty-something virgin living in a town where the guys outnumber the gals four-to-one on a good night and I can barely get a girl to look at me! I'm on the short side but as far as body goes you can judge yourself from the picture. I've been told I'm quite cute and I get along with people easily. So if I may be so bold as to take a drought from the immaculate fountain of wisdom known as Dan Savage... WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WRONG?

Still Un-Controllably Keeping It Not Good

My response—and SUCKING's response to my response, and mine to his, and his to mine to his, etc., and the picture—after the jump.

•••••••••••••

First: where do you live?

Second: letters like yours are... frequent and kind of frustrating for me. (I'm sure the situation is much more frustrating for you than your letter is for me.) Basically, SUCK, I can't tell what you're doing wrong from your letter or your tits. But your friends might know, though, and I might be able to figure it out if i could talk with them. So tell you what: send me the email addresses of five or ten friends, people you know well, people you're close to, and let me interview them anonymous-style and not-for-attriibution. And I'll put together a diagnoses of what you're doing right and wrong, where you could improve, etc., based on those conversations.

And, again, nice tits, thanks for sharing.

Dan

•••••••••••••

Thanks for the response, Dan, but I don't think that will be possible. Somehow telling ten of my closest friends how much of a social leotard I am seems like a bad idea. And to answer your question I live in a small town. Hint: I can see Russia from my house.

SUCKING

•••••••••••••

Well, okay... here's the best I can do: you and your tits are either doing something wrong... or you and your tits are in the wrong place. Maybe your brand of straight—cooking, dancing, tit-oiling—isn't in great demand in Sarah Palin's Alaska. So here's the hard part: try not to get bitter, don't be mad at all women everywhere forever becuase you haven't had much luck up to now, and figure out where there are more women, where the odds might be better for you, and get there as soon as you can.

It's possible that in some other location you would wind up rolling in it—assuming you don't have some other, large, overarching malfunction that cancels out your obvious attributes, i.e. you come off like a dick or an abuser, you have green teeth and bad breath, etc. This is a possibility, SUCKING, considering that you've had a string of first dates but no second dates. You might want to ask yourself, or the women you've dated, what you might be doing wrong. A little introspection never made anyone's tits sag.

That's the best I can do without meeting you or talking to people who know you and might be able to tell you what's wrong... but haven't because they either don't want to hurt your feelings or they don't know that you're having no luck and could use some feedback.

Finally: okay to post your picture on my blog?

Dan

•••••••••••••

My teeth are straight and white and I'm pretty sure I don't come off as a dick/abuser—or a dick-abuser for that matter. I've got a year left in this place, but, yeah you make sense! And sure you can post my picture—why the hell not! And sorry to disappoint re: friends but reputation is everything in my business. So FML... for now.

SUCKING

1284053144-myheadlesspic.jpg

Comments (4)

Showing 1-4 of 4

 
Subscribe to this thread:
Showing 1-4 of 4

Comments are closed.

All contents © Index Newspapers, LLC

115 SW Ash St. Suite 600
Portland, OR 97204

Contact Info | Privacy Policy | Production Guidelines | Terms of Use | Takedown Policy