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Monday, September 20, 2010

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Sep 20, 2010 at 9:36 AM

The recession is over! And according to experts, it's been over since... JUNE 2009?? Where was I??

Tea party and anti-masturbation poster girl Christine O'Donnell backs out of talk show appearances because of a possible oncoming civil war with the GOP. (Omigod, I'm LOVING this!)

The FDA is considering giving the okay to genetically modified salmon for human consumption. Luckily, I'll look great in gills.

Remember when Paris Hilton was arrested for cocaine possession and she said the coke belonged to a friend? Well as it turns out, THAT WAS HER COKE! And... SHE HAS NO FRIENDS!

Lady Gaga will lead a rally in Portland Maine today demanding that Republican senators repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Wear a Meat Dress."

Longtime Oregonian reporter Wallace Turner has passed away at the age of 89.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Showers end to give us three dry days in the upper 60s, but rain returns on Thursday!

And finally, Christine O'Donnell dabbled in witchcraft, guys! (Actually, I don't blame her—witchcraft is the only thing that could stop me from masturbating.) From Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect.

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