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Monday, September 20, 2010

SL Letter of the Day: Share And Share Alike

Posted by Dan Savage on Mon, Sep 20, 2010 at 3:44 PM

I'm a straight guy of 21, and I'm housemates and buddies with a couple who are college friends. This couple have been together four years now, which is also how long I've known them. Anyhow, the interesting stuff. They're both quite enthusiastically sexual. She's got more libido than he does. I've got a big sex drive too. Both of them have stated an openness to poly situations, i.e. letting the other one fool around with/go on dates with other people. She started flirting with me three weeks ago, flirting turned into no-sex threesomes with her and her BF every few nights.

I'm perfectly fine with poly—or I wouldn't be doing this—but it feels a bit awkward to me, fingering her or sucking on her nipples while her boyfriend is in the room, or even the same bed. Both of us guys are straight and have no desire to see the other naked, so there's none of that going on. I've got no beef with guys who like beef, but guy-on-guy, or even being in a sexual situation with another guy—like the one going here—makes me uncomfortable. And anyways, I always feel like he's the "primary" one in the relationship; the one that she loves and kisses, the one who loves her back, so I tend to move over whenever he shows interest. This is reinforced because she said that she didn't feel comfortable kissing other guys—although fingering is fine?—and I get the impression (although it could be my imagination) that he's not entirely happy that I'm cuddling and/or fingering his girlfriend while he plays Dawn of War five feet away from their bed.

I'm perfectly fine with being the "secondary" guy; I'm still looking for an actual relationship anyway, and would stop the sexy-time if I found one. But I'd much rather have some privacy if we—meaning me and her—are gonna try to get each other off, particularly if this arrangement of ours should progress to actual sex. This is tough, since I have a roommate and there's nowhere else in the house to go other than their room. Incidentally, we haven't told our other friends/housemates about this, although they could probably put 2-and-2 together; she screams in orgasm and half an hour later I say goodnight and go back down to my room.

Any advice in making the situation more comfortable for all involved?

Can't Think Of A Clever Name

My response after the jump...

••••••••••••••

You're fingering her, you're sucking her tits, you're getting her off (screaming orgasms induced manually), she's getting you off (somehow or other)—which means, CTOACN, that you two are actually having actual sex. You're not having vaginal intercourse, you're not kissing, but you're having sex, and a lot of it.

This girl seems pretty upfront about her comfort levels—no kissing, no vaginal intercourse (for you)—and you need to be similarly assertive. You like her, you like messing around with her, you like and respect him, you get that he's her primary partner and you're her secondary partner/plaything, but you're not comfortable messing around with her while he's in the room. So instead of playing Dawn of War while you two mess around, the boyfriend—her primary partner—needs to take a hike. He can head to the library, go for a walk, do some reading in the communal space of your shared house, or—hey—he can go play Dawn of War in your room.

If he balks, CTOACN, then you may want to reconsider the assumptions you've made about him. You're not into beef, and you're not comfortable with any hint of guy-on-guy, but I'm thinking he wants to be in the room while you're messing around with his girlfriend. I'm not saying that he's bi, or that he wants to get with you, as the kids were only too recently saying—but I'm not saying he isn't bi or doesn't want to get with you. What I'm saying is...

Considering 1. his presence every time you're messing around with her (surely the library, the living room, or your room would've occurred to him if he were uncomfortable being in the same room while you fingered O'Donnelled his girlfriend) and 2. the limitations she's placed on the sex she's willing to have with you, and 3. his tendency to suddenly "show interest" after you've been messing around with his girlfriend (at which point you "move over" and, presumably, out), I'm thinking your girlfriend's primary partner has a bit of cuckolding lite/sperm competition syndrome thing going.

Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course. But don't be surprised if your request for quality alone time with her results in the end of this affair.

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