How bizarre is it that this episode of Jersey Shore is titled after Ben Affleck's awesome 2007 movie, Gone Baby Gone? Sets the tonal bar a little high for the drama this episode contained. Regardless, this was arguably the most dramatic hour of a tumultuous season in paradise. What is the kidnapping of a little girl compared to all of the negative energy surrounding Angelina "Trash Bags" Pivarnick reaching a head?

Angelina.jpg

If I had named this episode I would've called it "Taking Out the Trash." I should be a TV writer.

"Gone Baby Gone" was like a stuffed crust pizza except the crust was fighting and the stuffing was whining. And the toppings were a mix of undeservedly large egos.

It was Angelina's hour and she spent it loudly describing her life on a high profile reality show as if it were a Nazi torture experiment, insulting and alienating every other housemate and then waiting for them to beg her to stay. She even got some refreshing empathy out of Jenni that apparently meant absolutely nothing.

No! Enough was enough! You won't have ol' Angelina to kick around anymore, Jersey Shore! Of course Angelina couldn't leave without waiting for the roommates to get home just to tell them that she wasn't leaving because of them - awful, manipulative fakes that they are - but for herself. Her nonsensical reasoning led to my favorite exchange of the night:

Mike: We are going to dinner at ten and the club at twelve. Would you like to come?
Angelina: Umm, for MYSELF I'm gonna figure out what I want to do.
Mike: So what are you going to do, Ange?
Angelina: Ummm, I'm going to decide what I want to do very soon.
Mike What to do about what?
Angelina: I'm gonna figure out what I wanna do and do whatever I wanna do.

It all ended with one last grasp for power as Angelina attempted to use her one-time hookup Alex as a point of leverage between her and Snooki. Then she called everyone fake and Snooki and her had an awkward-ass fight on the floor leaving no dignities intact.

Meanwhile, Mike is shaping up to be a villain in his own right. He obviously sees himself as the fulcrum on which the house turns. How great was this quote: "To call me a fake is fucking blasphemy; to talk about the leader like that. In other countries you get hung for that." It must be awesome living in his head, seeing the world through tan-colored glasses.

Finally, in a bit that felt completely manufactured (but entertaining nonetheless) Snooki is once again snookin' for love. She made checklists detailing her likes, dislikes and the type of man she is looking for ("romantical"). Jwoww read the last list out loud, but we only got a glance at the other two. Here they are reproduced for your enjoyment:

I hate:
- Hangovers
- Boys/Jerkoffs/Fame whores
- Miami boys
- Spicy foods, spicy pickles
- Spiders, the dark, sharks
- Hardcore "techno"
- Fake people
- Smelly people
- People.
- Party poopers
- Debby Downers
- Cookies
- My exes

I like:
- Being stubborn
- Being tan :)
- Hoop earrings
- Dancing
- House music
- Ed Hardy
- Television
- Boats
- Regular pickles
- Black, silver and pink
- Party scenes
- Alcoholic beverages
- [I can't read the rest]

Just like Angelina's decision to sleep with Jose in Mike's bed after punching Mike in the fact perfectly sums up her flavor of self-centered crazy, so do these lists communicate the essence of Snooki. What a child.

Stray notes and quotes

Blatant misogyny watch: "She brought all these random people home. She's a girl! You don't do that! That's a guy thing! Guys do that! Not girls!"

Mike's hot Canadian hookup had a real crazy air about her.

Ronnie's fight commentary made me LOL.

"Yo, let's get into this Nutella, pimp."

"No hair off my back."

"Heeeeeyy! I'm still pretty! I'm still pretty, bitch!"