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Thursday, October 7, 2010

What Wants to Kill Me This Week? Vol. 3

Posted by Kevin "the Intern" Otzenberger on Thu, Oct 7, 2010 at 5:33 PM

It's been a good week for doom. So, what wants to kill me this time?

[WARNING: DISTURBING CONTENT—Ed.]:

1. Lions, tigers and bears, oh my!

Individually, these assholes are already typical subjects in my column. But this week, as we've seen from a ridiculously dense amount of MSNBC coverage, all three of these animals are working overtime. The classic dream team is back together.

Lions in Ukraine are chewing on circus trainers. Lions in America are chewing on zookeepers. Lions everywhere else are just waiting for their turn. Tigers are escaping from zoos, (but thankfully, showing some restraint. I guess the tiger in this case just didn't have it in him). But don't let your guard down. Not all tigers are such pussies. Bears aren't, either. Just ask this Bellevue, Wash. city councilman, who battled a bear last week and "won," or this guy, who got jumped by one in the middle of the desert, drawing attention to the increase of bear attacks resulting from loss of natural habitat. You see, nature has it's ways of evening things out. We pollute the air: the ice caps melt. We cut down the forests: bears come out and gnaw on our skulls. NATURE'S VIGILANTES.

2. UI's STIs

This year's Trojan Sexual Health Report Card, (which grades schools on sexual health services and education), reports that while Columbia University is the nation's most sexually healthy school, the most sexually unhealthy school (out of 141 colleges) is my own pock-marked alma mater, the University of Idaho. Gross, Vandals. Gross. Now I know why our barbarian mascot, Joe Vandal, always has that look of psychotic, violent rage on his toothy face. He's just angry nobody taught him about syphilis. NO GOING BACK.

3. College football

A 69-year-old Michigan State football fan chose to reschedule his pacemaker implant surgery, when he realized he would miss today's intense in-state rivalry game. If his heart is still beating tomorrow, death by psychotic fanaticism will have lost this round. But his unreasonable risk-taking still shows the lack of self-concern that can spell doom for anyone obsessed with anything. College football, World of Warcraft, crystal meth, Blogtown — whatever your addiction is — don't forget: it takes heart palpitation to keep doing those things. PRIORITIES.

4. Aerial stingray attacks

I wish I was joking. A kid had his liver impaled by a flying stingray barb earlier this month, while fishing with his family in North Carolina. 17 people were killed by these things in 2006, (including the Crocodile Hunter), and there are still over 1,500 stingray-related injuries in the U.S. annually. I knew you could get stung, but I guess I didn't realize stingrays could catapult their barbs through your ribcage like that. Now I can't even feel save near the water. KEVLAR WETSUIT.


5. Red, flesh-eating toxic sludge

A river of highly-toxic, skin-dissolving, ocre red sludge burst out of the waste reservoir of a Hungarian aluminum factory this week, and the material has now made its way into the Danube river. Four people were killed, and others reported burns and other injuries. Some people even reported "being burned to the bone" by the substance. Wait 'til American teens realize how high they can get on this stuff. That's when the real trouble begins. "SLUDGING" EPIDEMIC.

Godspeed, everyone.

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