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Monday, October 11, 2010

SL Letter of the Morning: Don't Listen To Your Mother

Posted by Dan Savage on Mon, Oct 11, 2010 at 9:58 AM

Almost exactly four years ago I met my wonderful girlfriend. Like typical lesbians our relationship moved very fast. We held off on sex until the third week and then had the most awesomely passionate and creative sex for the next four months. I had always been interested in BDSM and she was too so we played those games. We had sex at least twice a day for months. Then the sex tapered off. I wasn't surprised. But what did bother me was that now she seemed to be getting more and more lazy with the kind of sex she wanted and more vanilla with the kind of sex she'd tolerate. Then it tapered off even more.

At first I was just concerned...was there something wrong with me? The relationship? She said her back hurt and we found out she had a slipped disk. After that got all fixed she said she was just tired. The excuses never stopped. Finally last December (we were down to sex twice a month) we went to couples counseling and I called bullshit. I told her that quadriplegics figure out how to have sex and any physical issue could be overcome with some creativity and some advil. She told me that she would "try harder" and "work at sex." Now we are three weeks away from our fourth anniversary and it appears that I don't want to have sex with her. My body is simply not interested in sex with her.

I still like to masturbate and do frequently but there has been too much drama for me to enter into sex with her without anxiety and tension. Other than the sex I'm pretty happy with her. My mom says that I'm lucky to have her and that sex is not that important since everything else is fine. What do you think?

Basically Independent Girl In Real Life

My response after the jump...

••••••••••••••

Your mother may be ready for a sexless relationship, BIGIRL, but clearly you're not. And you may be lucky to have the woman you're with now... but it doesn't sound like you're all that interested in having her anymore.

So now the problem is you, BIGIRL (and your acronym points to one big potential problem, I'm thinkin'), not her. Because she's willing to "try harder" and "work at sex"—and, man, nothing puts me in the mood quite like the expression "work at sex." Unfortunately it doesn't put me in the mood for sex. It puts me in the mood for a pot brownie, a bag of chips, and a Project Runway marathon.

Look, BIGIRL, this relationship isn't long for this world with the way things are going now. So why not go for broke? Lay it all on the line: you're not interested in being a sexless relationship, you're not feeling particularly attracted to the girlfriend anymore, and you two need to breakup or engineer the sort of emotional and sexual breakthrough that restores the old spark. Personally I'd recommend a few screaming fights quickly followed by some pot and a couple of threeways.

Because what do you have to lose?

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