So far, 16 of the Chilean miners have been rescued so far, causing one of the freed miners to yell, "I’ve been near God, but I’ve also been near the devil. God won.” The devil responded, "Dude, I was totally on vacation. I didn't have anything to do with this!! GAH! You people!"

Homophobic New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino has apologized for his slurs against gay people, saying, "it's wrong to judge a whole community of people on just a few fruits."

Today in BOOOOOO!!!!: Apple Patents "Anti-Sexting" Technology.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates says ending Don't Ask, Don't Tell immediately would have enormous consequences... like... like.... being morally correct for once.

An Mexican investigator looking into the murder of an American tourist has been found... um.... decapitated. Ummm.... with his head in a suitcase.

According to a TriMet official, there have been no signs of a bus driver "sick out"—YET.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: A balmy 74 degrees today, cooling with clouds starting tomorrow and into the weekend.

And finally, never fall asleep at a party. Unless you want some dick to put a chicken on your head.