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Tuesday, November 2, 2010

What Wants to Kill Me This Week? Vol. 5

Posted by Kevin "the Intern" Otzenberger on Tue, Nov 2, 2010 at 4:11 PM

I have good news. People are surviving things. Awful things. Things that should screw them up real bad. But that doesn't mean you should give the universe any slack, because in reality, we're not getting any more wily — the universe is just getting tired and lazy in it's old age.

So then, what wants to kill me this week, but won't because it's gone soft?


1. Glocks

Guns: still awesome. Gun owners: still terrifying. Gun violence: apparently being channeled into arts and crafts, which is great news for those who don't want to be murdered. This video is still frightening, but it teaches lunatics a valuable lesson about how they can manage their blood lust peacefully. Another great teacher on this subject is West Virginia senatorial candidate Joe Manchin, who in case you missed this great campaign ad, thinks guns are for popping caps in the asses of trade legislation. UNSETTLING METAPHORS.


2. Sharp metal objects embedded in your colon

Between 2001 and 2009, one Rhode Island hospital counted a whopping 305 cases of patients needing treatment for ingesting foreign objects. The cases are reported as usually being intentional, and roughly 80 percent of patients suffer from mental illness, including one man who is responsible for 67 separate swallowing cases on his own.

"Many of the patients seem to be compelled to swallow things and will often awaken from anesthesia only to try to ingest nearby medical supplies. One patient managed to swallow something even while being watched by two guards in an acute care hospital."

Despite gnarly procedures that often involve "snares, nets and rat-toothed forceps," only two people have required surgery and no one has died. Well, there it is. I guess I can breath a sigh of relief next time I fail to suppress my urge to gobble down a half pound of chicken wire. CAN'T STOP THE HUNGER.

3. Straight-up Gangsters

Gang membership is up 25 percent since 2005, but gang violence is at a lower rate than it's been since 1973. Maybe gangs can teach us all a thing or two about the cleanliness and efficiency of teamwork. NO "I" IN "BLOODS."


4. Terrorists

As I'm sure you saw in national headlines, or through your REAL trusted news source, the mail bombs sent to the U.S. from Yemen were foiled by ex-Gitmo detainee and al-Queda member Jaber al-Faifi. Welcome back from the dark side, Jaber. APPREHENSIVE REDEMPTION.


5. Cantaloupe-sized kidney tumors

A North Carolina man is celebrating his successful cancer surgery by parading on down to the Guinness Book of World Records with what is believed to be the world's heaviest cancerous kidney. A PERSONAL BEST.

Ladies and gentlemen, things are looking up. For now.

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