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Friday, November 5, 2010

SL Letter of the Day: Dan Blows Chaste Married Men

Posted by Dan Savage on Fri, Nov 5, 2010 at 2:29 PM

I'm a longtime reader, and wanted to let you know that you pretty much blew it on one of the questions this week—that softball question about male chastity from WIFE, whose husband had asked her to lock up his dick.

You told WIFE that "except in the most extreme cases," male chastity "isn't really about orgasm denial" and that the usual result is the "denied/chaste man having more orgasms, not fewer."

I'm a chastity submissive and my wife is my Top, and as a member of this kink group, I'm quite confident in saying you are dead wrong. A husband who tells his wife he wants to be locked in a chastity cage isn't asking in code for more orgasms, or even just for greater intimacy, he's asking to be sexually dominated in a specific way. Considering that this is a very difficult thing for a man to request, I'll bet money that WIFE's husband really does have this kink.

You're not doing either WIFE or her husband any favors by telling her that unless her husband is an "extreme case," he doesn't actually mean what he's asking for. He almost certainly does. Like lots of other kinks, this one is surprising to lots of folks, but is real and specific. WIFE's husband sincerely wants her to control and deny his orgasms as a form of submission. This can be fun for both parties, but pretending his kink isn't about control and denial isn't a good starting point. Because it is about those things.

You also warned WIFE not to actually deny her husband for any significant length of time because she would elevate his risk of prostate cancer. I found this surprising because I ASKED YOU THIS EXACT QUESTION last year and you published a rather different answer, in which you took pains to point out that those studies that do exist on this topic seem to indicate that ejaculating very infrequently may be healthier than ejaculating at a moderate frequency.

Maybe the research has changed since then, but my understanding is that prostate cancer triggers are still poorly understood, so I'm not so sure that telling WIFE "your husband probably doesn't really mean what he's saying, but even if he does, don't actually do what he's asking for you'll give him cancer" was the best possible advice here.

Loving Orgasms And Denial Every Day

My response after the jump...

My previous column about male chastity and prostate health—the one where I responded to LOADED's original question—went like this:

"We still have very little idea what might cause or prevent prostate cancer," says Dr. Barak Gaster, associate professor of medicine at the University of Washington and our resident medical expert. "There are some clues—red meat, probably bad; vegetables, probably good; vitamin E, probably not helpful—but we're really still in the dark." And while most studies have shown frequent ejaculation to be good for prostate health, one recent study out of the UK showed the exact opposite.

So what should you do? Rely on the best-available study, advises Gaster. "[That study] followed U.S. men for eight years and found that those with the most ejaculations per month (more than 20) had a 30 percent lower risk of prostate cancer compared to those who were having fewer per month (about five)." But there is good news in the study for you, LOADED: "The 5 percent of men who reported having zero to three per month appeared to have a lower risk for prostate cancer as well," said Gaster. "The caveat is that this group was too small to make definite conclusions about them. But it looks like coming more than 20 times a month could be good for you in terms of prostate cancer, but it's unlikely that coming very little, like zero to three times per month, is necessarily bad for you compared to coming once or twice a week."

So ejaculate frequently, guys, or ejaculate rarely, because it would appear that moderation in pursuit of prostate health is no virtue.

Clearly I should've consulted with Dr. Gaster again or, gee, just looked up that old column. Sorry about that. As for whether chastity play results in more orgasms for the locked-up dude, well, Mikecb gets closer to what I meant to say—but failed to say—when he wrote this in the comments thread on this week's column...

Several regular posters on www.chastityforums.com report that after beginning chastity play that their marriages began to feature MUCH more regular intimacy and play. That intimacy may not lead to orgasms for the man very often, but the couples find it ENORMOUSLY more satisfying than their relationship pre-chastity play.

Okay, okay: that's not what I wrote, not technically. In fact you could say—and you probably are saying—that that's the opposite of what I wrote. But it's totally what I meant which should count for something... right?

But I have to concede that LOADED is 100% correct. I blew that response to WIFE. I blew it twice.

And finally...

Several of the folks who jumped into the comments thread to slap me around just so happen to be married men whose wives just so happen to be keeping their cocks under lock and key—and they are all, of course, blogging about their experiences. If you're wondering what it's like to have your cock locked up—and "your cock" here can means the cock you were born with (because you're a guy with a cock) or the cock you've locked up (because you're a keyholder who has taken complete ownership of your partner's cock), check out these informative, compelling, and well-written blogs:

Nuts4belle.wordpress.com
devotedlvr.wordpress.com
www.denyingthumper.com

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