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Monday, November 15, 2010

PREDICTION: Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark Will Be the Worst Thing Since Spingtime for Hitler.

Posted by Erik Henriksen on Mon, Nov 15, 2010 at 11:14 AM

You've gotta give the producers of Julie Taymor's Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark some credit: Despite being burdened with an incredibly stupid title, "acrobatic rehearsal sequences" that have apparently been designed to kill actors, fleeing cast members, and ass-clenchingly bad production design and music, they're still powering forward, insistent on unleashing this unholy monstrosity upon the world.

In their latest ill-advised attempt to make everyone forget all that they've read and seen about their abomination, the geniuses behind Turn Off the Dark have enlisted the help of Annie Leibovitz and Vogue, who're currently embarrassing themselves with "KA-POW! Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark," a horribly titled puff piece that's paired with Leibovitz' holy-shit-is-this-actually-real photo essay. I can best describe Leibovitz' haunting images as visions that daringly blur the line between the benippled shame of Batman & Robin and HAHAHAHHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAwheeze.

Mercury Calendar Editor and world-renowned Taymor apologist Courtney Ferguson had this to say about the below image: "The Goblin hurts to look at." As she said it—softly, weakly—I saw a single tear slowly trace its way down her cheek. It was the sight of a soul breaking.

Well, at least they got one thing right... all those empty seats! BA-DUM-BUM-CHING.
  • Vogue
  • Well, at least they got one thing right... all those empty seats! BA-DUM-BUM-CHING.

The below villain is something that Vogue calls the "Tin Man-meets-Lizzie Borden Swiss Miss." No, the Swiss Miss character wasn't in the comics, probably perhaps because she would have been deemed too inane even for a book in which Aunt May once married Doctor Octopus. Rejected names for Swiss Miss included "Heterosexual C-3PO's Femdom Fantasy" and "The Only Conceivable Thing That's Less Scary Than the Actual Swiss Miss, An Adorable Little Girl Who Brings You Delicious Chocolate Pudding and Stays Sweetly Neutral in Any and All Conflicts."

Is it weird that I find the shoes to be the most ridiculous part of this image?
  • Vogue
  • Is it weird that I find the shoes to be the most ridiculous part of this image?

And last but not least, here's a look at '90s Spidey villain Carnage, AKA "Venom, But Red!" In another of her trailblazing artistic conceits, it appears Taymor has chosen to have the role of Carnage be played by a Carnage action figure she recently purchased at Target.

MAKE IT STOPPPPP. By which, of course, I mean the awful PhotoShopping.
  • Vogue
  • MAKE IT STOPPPPP. By which, of course, I mean the clumsy PhotoShopping.

I try not to be the pathetic fanboy who's always leaping onto his longbox soapbox to shout nasal diatribes about how terrible something is just because it deviates ever-so-slightly from its long-forgotten source material, but jesus christ—not as a comics reader but as a human being, I feel obligated to do whatever I can to euthanize this thing. As Edmund Burke once wrote, "For evil to prosper all it needs is for good people to do nothing," and while I don't mean to alarm anyone, I believe it must be said that this... this... this could be even worse than X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

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