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Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Nov 17, 2010 at 9:28 AM

TSA chief John Pistole goes before lawmakers to justify the necessity of grabbing people's junk.

Today's big mystery: After leaving the premiere of Burlesque, who shot and killed a Hollywood publicist gang-land style? (Don't say "people who hated Burlesque.")

Sarah Palin says she is "thinking" about running for President in 2012. To prove that she's capable of thinking, shouldn't she have to produce a CAT scan?

Due to skyrocketing infidelity, a New Jersey reverend has asked his church leaders to share their Facebook passwords with their spouses, or dump social networking all together. In lieu of that, they can remove their dicks.

Actor Ryan Reynolds has been awarded "People Magazine's Sexiest Man." In a related story, I'm ugly.

Dancing with the Stars Spoiler Alert!
Someone who was good got kicked off, while someone who sucked stayed on, thanks to a group of people that rhymes with "Flea Maggers."

In a related story, a 67-year-old man blasted his TV with a shotgun after witnessing Bristol Palin's Dancing with the Stars performance. Internet, meet your new hero.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: A blustery, showery day, with cooler, even more showery days to come.

And finally, Jimmy Fallon (as Neil Young) is joined by Bruce Springsteen in a hilarious and heartfelt rendition of Willow Smith's "Whip My Hair." Oh my god, YES!

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