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Wednesday, November 17, 2010

What Wants to Kill Me This Week? Vol. 6

Posted by Kevin "the Intern" Otzenberger on Wed, Nov 17, 2010 at 2:44 PM

It would be too easy for me to point out that we aren't keeping good track of our missiles these days. So I'll focus elsewhere. If you believe the feds that it was an airplane, good for you. Somewhere there's a "weather balloon" laughing at you through it's facial tentacles. Moving on.

What wants to kill me, this week?

1. Oregon's Pot Farmers

The Oregonian reported last week on a growing trend of booby-trapped backyard pot farms. Apparently, firefighters who attempted to extinguish a shed fire in Wood Village in October were met with the unusual obstacle of avoiding a fence lined with upturned nails and a yard full of leg snares and punji pits. So next time you're thinking about "helping" your neighbor harvest some of that sweet sticky weed, remember: if you're not Indiana Jones, you're probably a secondary character who will die horribly. REAL-LIFE ADVENTURES: TRAGIC.

2. Oregon's Snaggle-faced Birds

According to a new study, wild birds in Alaska and the Northwest have the highest rate of beak deformities ever recorded. So, why should we be more worried about these mutant-face birds than normal ones? Well, let me ask you a question: which of these tools would you feel more comfortable seeing on your dentist's counter?

needle_nose_pliers.jpg
torture_pliers.jpg


3. Oregon's Next Apocalyptic Earthquake

In case you were unaware, new sediment studies show more clearly than ever that we are well overdue for another violent Sumatra-style unzipping of the entire West Coast. Thanks, MSNBC, for reminding me about something I already feared and can absolutely not avoid. If I survive, I'll thank you for convincing me to only sleep outside in a big, empty field for the rest of my entire life. KEEP FEAR ALIVE.

4. Antifreeze Margaritas

A New York woman was sentenced to 23 years for manslaughter, last week, for fixing her alcoholic boyfriend an antifreeze margarita to teach him a lesson. Well, I learned a lesson: the importance of finding a woman who Google-searches poisons before making decisions with them. SAFETY FIRST.

5. Robot Snakes

What happened to the good old days when robots were for defusing bombs, building cars and having sex with losers? Nowadays, we have this. AWKWARD BUT DEADLY.



Sleep with one eye open, folks.

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