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Monday, December 13, 2010

SL Letter of the Day: Love Means Never Getting To Say...

Posted by Dan Savage on Mon, Dec 13, 2010 at 10:28 AM

I really need some help and comfort. I am a straight, 25-year-old woman and I've been dating my boyfriend for four years. I have never been the romantic type until I met him. At the beginning we were purely sexual. We love role playing and we always came up with erotic fantasies of me being fucked and used by multiple men, or some fantasy where others were involved. It was hot to me until I fell in love with him. Now, the only thing that turns me on his him.

Even though he says he loves me I cannot say he gets turned on only by thinking of me. We still continue these fantasies, but lately I'm seeing that every single time we are intimate he always talks about things he wants other men (and women) to do to me or what he wants to do with others while I'm around somewhere. He never talks about a hot fantasy that only involves him and me. I drew the line when he started bringing my best friend into our role playing. When I told him I would prefer if he not bring her into it he ignored me and talked about her anyway. No matter how many times I tell him I am not turned on by other women or other men and how hurtful it is when he admits to fantasizing about being with other women he makes me feel guilty for having these feelings. The last time I brought it up he said he won't tell me his fantasies anymore and that he'll just tell me what I want to hear. He also said that by asking him to stop thinking of others I am demeaning him and his sexuality.

I have done everything I can to please him. I have done things sexually that I swore I would never do because I trusted him. I've tried new sex positions, new naughty outfits, I even fucked him in front of others on cam. I guess my question is, am I demeaning him when I ask him to not bring up others in our role playing every time we're intimate? It wouldn't bother me if it were once in a while. I wind up feeling unattractive and never good enough. What can I do to make him only want me?

Not Good Enough

My response after the jump...

••••••••••••••••

Nothing.

He's never gonna want just you and you only, NGE. All that crazy shit that turned him on when you first got together—the shit that turned him on before you fell in love with him—still turns him on and always will turn him on. Leopards, spots.

Now I know you're not doing it on purpose, NGE, and this is just how you feel, and feelings are sacrosanct lil' mysteries and there's nothing you, me, or anyone can do about it, but I've never understood people who are up for anything with someone they're into—dirty talk, rough sex, groups (real or imagined)—until they fall in love with that person. Shouldn't falling in love, and the deepening feelings of trust and comfort that goes along with it, open a couple up to new possibilities, new horizons, new sexual adventures?

And if falling in love with someone—or falling in love with you—means the end of sexual adventure and fantasy and roleplay, if falling in love means new limitations and previously acceptable fantasies winding up on your own personal no-fly list, aren't you creating a huge incentive for folks not to fall in love with you?

All of that said, NGE, your boyfriend should, at the very least, mix it the fuck up a little bit. Even if you were into groups—or still into groups, or still into thoughts of groups—having to hear about them every fucking time you fuck gets fucking tedious after four fucking years. If he needs dirty talk to get off, he should find new dirty scenarios—involving you and only you—to explore and expound upon and save the group fantasies for "once in a while."

As for feeling unattractive, make him aware of your insecurities—if you haven't already—and that his particular turn-ons tweak those insecurities and so you require regular reassurances about your attractiveness, his feelings for you, how hot he thinks your body is, etc., etc.

Finally, NGE, and again: there's nothing you can do to make him want you and only you. He is who he is, and he's turned on by what turns him on, and you knew that when you fell in love with him. You don't have the right or the ability to reach into his erotic imagination and yank out the bits that conflict with your ideas of what sex is or should be when two people are in love.

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