This Week in the Mercury


Friday, December 17, 2010

SL Letter of the Day: Masturbatory Aides

Posted by Dan Savage on Fri, Dec 17, 2010 at 10:14 AM

I am an extremely kinky, happily married 30-year-old woman. My husband and I got together right out of high school, but we were both a bit experienced, and together we have explored our sexual fantasies and have a varied and intense sex life. In the two years since I have gone off of the pill, I have had the raging sex drive of a 14-year-old boy and I have taken to chatting online with like minded strangers, sharing pictures, trading fantasies or experiences, etc.

I am very discreet and there is absolutely zero chance that I will be caught at this pastime by my husband. I have no desire to ever meet anyone from my online chats in real life, but the longer this goes on the more guilt I feel. I know my husband would be devastated if he found out. But I feel like it diffuses the tension that would otherwise exist in our marriage due to me not being able to be indulged in my kinks as often as I would like. (He's only up for my more extreme kinks on special occasions, and his sex drive is lower than mine.)

What I want to know is, in your expertly judgmental opinion, how much of an asshole am I?

Hitched But Into Chatting

My response after the jump...

••••••••••••••

Just a little bit of an asshole, HBIC, and let me be clear: you're not a lil' cheating asshole (what you're doing isn't cheating), just a lil' cowardly one. You're avoiding an unpleasant conversation with your husband out of fear—fear that may be misplaced.

You know the husband better than I do, of course, but are you sure you're not underestimating him? Would he really be devastated to learn that you're talking up your kinks with people you're never going to meet?

It might require some doing—and by "doing" I mean "arguing"—but you should be able to convince your husband that these online chats are a safe and anonymous outlet for your surging & spare sexual energy. So long as he's not being neglected or denied, there's literally no harm in it. And he ultimately benefits from these chats: sometimes they crank you up for him, at other times they take the pressure off him.

If you can get him to a place where's comfortable with your chats, or involved in them somehow, you'll be free of the guilt. And if he freaks and forbids you to continue chatting online about your sexual interests—which I would frankly regard as controlling (you have a right to your own fantasy life and preferred masturbatory aids/aides)—you can promise to stop... and then go back to doing what you're doing now (because there's zero chance you'll ever get caught, right?), deal with the guilt, and enjoy the orgasms.

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