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Thursday, December 30, 2010

SL Letter of the Day: Love Means Never Getting To Say...

Posted by Dan Savage on Thu, Dec 30, 2010 at 9:59 AM

These all came today—in a row—and I'm going to run 'em because, hey, I'm not limber enough to blow myself...

Thank you for posting a response to my question about my boyfriend's fantasies in our sex life (Not Good Enough, December 30). While answering my question, you asked me one that I would like to answer. You wrote: "I've never understood people who are up for anything with someone they're into—dirty talk, crazy sex, groups (real or imagined)—up until the moment they fall in love with that person." Maybe it's just a stupid girl thing, but before love came into the picture I liked hearing about his sexual adventures and I loved the fantasies that involved other people because I didn't care if those feelings would lead him to find other people. Once I realized that I deeply cared for this person, I started having insecure thoughts, like these fantasies are so profound in his sexuality that I wouldn't be good enough for him and that I would lose him. This insecurity took away what turned me on about the fantasy of other people. But once again you were right. If I really love him, I have no right to tell him to forget about what turns him on. The truth is I still like our fantasy play, I was just concerned that it was never just between him and me - but he's been with me for four years and he has listened to my concerns. The last several times we've been intimate it was just about us and we both loved it. He has made me feel very loved and I, once again, feel comfortable continuing both of our sexual fantasies.

I can't thank you enough for opening my eyes about what love really is about. We do love and trust each other and we will continue to live out our fantasies.

More Than Good Enough

•••••••••••••••••


I've read your column for years and years mostly for simple enjoyment. Recently however me and my girlfriend of about two years got some information that really shook our lives, especially hers. I had been tested for stds prior to the beginning of our relationship and she had not had many sexual partners before me, and had not had sex for about a year before we had dated. She had no symptoms of an std prior to us dating and neither of showed any in the 2 years we were having sex. Then much to her shock she got the results back from her latest pap smear and found out she had HPV. Finding out absolutely crushed her. Her doctor was very rude and she was basically devastated and felt like a whore. I then got tested again and found I had it as well. This crushed her even more as she felt so guilty. I looked all over for information about the disease but found only conflicting and unclear information. For the past 2 months since she found out she's basically been a shell of her former self, always sad, and just racked with guilt no matter how much i tried to tell her that i didn't blame her. On top of all this, sex, which had previously been a very regular occurrence and a great relief of stress for us both had abruptly stopped since she found out.

Then i found out about your podcast and the show you did with Dr. Anna Kaminski from Planned Parenthood. We both listened to it and for the first time since she received this information she's been happy and i feel like she's finally back to normal. I can't thank you enough.

Relieved

•••••••••••••••••

I have been reading your column since I was 14—a whooping eleven years now—and I just wanted to say that you are one of the biggest influences on how I view sexuality and relationships. You have made me more relaxed with myself, better at understanding (and pleasing) partners, and generally just a better person. The recent stuff with the 'It Gets Better' campaign is such a great move too. I never had any trouble with my friends or family because they are good, non-judging people (I'm bi, but currently in a relationship with a girl), but for a lot of people I see you giving so much hope to those who have none. Whatever you are getting paid, it's not enough.

Keep up the good work!

Daniel


Aw, shucks!

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