"Hi, in case you forgot about me, my name is Suri Cruise and I'm a total bitch. Sometimes the media refers to my idiotic parents as "TomKat." I can't figure out what that means because I'm a stupid four-year-old that already has a credit card and an iPad despite the fact I can't even tie my own shoes yet. No matter, why should I learn when I'll always have my people around to do it for me?"

At least that's what I imagine she would say. And then she would go on to say, "My lame ass parents took me to see The Nutcracker over the holidays because I love princesses and ballerinas. Yes, I am a completely unoriginal little girl. Anyways, I decided to wear this lavender Burberry dress with my pink Uggs. (Also unoriginal, right?! I mean pink and purple? I'm a little girl, it's such an obvious color scheme!) And because I know how much people pay for pictures of me I decided to ruin the shot by not looking at the camera. Hahaha, whatever, I know it's like a dream come true for most little girls to meet real live ballerinas from the New York Nutcracker but I was macking on some gummy bears, so fuck em'!"

Photo via Just Jared