Dear Church Elders,
I have to admit I was pretty surprised after reading your letter below. I had NO IDEA that divorcing Mrs. Wm. Steven Humphrey the first (as well as Mrs. Wm. Steven Humphrey the second and third) would cause such a problem for the church and for evangelical Christianity in particular. While I certainly accept responsibility for causing the divorces (especially since committing the "responsibilities" were so much fun!), I have to say I think it's totes harsh that you've decided to "turn me over to Satan." (Especially since Satan turned me over to you three years ago.)
You guys suck, for reals!
Wm. Steven Humphrey
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