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Monday, January 24, 2011

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Jan 24, 2011 at 9:32 AM

An explosion at Moscow's primary airport kills at least 30, injures 130, and is being seen as a terrorist attack.

$160 million has been spent to defend Freddie Mac and Fanny Mae since the government takeover... and guess who's footing that bill? NO, SERIOUSLY. GUESS.

A bad day for cops here, here, here, and here.

Longtime fitness star Jack LaLanne dies at age 96—and is STILL in better shape than you!

THIS JUST IN: Japan's serial biting monkey has escaped captivity; we repeat HAS ESCAPED CAPTIVITY, and authorities are warning citizens to... wait. Oh, god. No, NO, NOOOOOO!!! Stop biting me!!!

Everybody relax: the Pope has given his qualified blessing to social networking. Twitter, you're no longer going to hell!

Guys! Oprah has a secret half-sister! REALLY!! Why aren't you excited by this?

Now here's what's happening in your neck of the woods: If these goddamn clouds ever burn away, we'll see sunny skies with highs in the low to mid 50s through Saturday!

And finally, if you and I were to have sex, this is how I would feel about it. (Note: You're the Spongebob straw.)

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