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Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Jan 26, 2011 at 9:34 AM

Egyptian authorities are shitting their pants over the tens of thousands of marchers protesting President Hosni Mubarak.

President Obama delivered his state of the union address last night—and once again, not a single mention of Justin Bieber. (They should at least let him sing the national anthem or something.)

Tea Party harpy Michele Bachmann also delivered a speech, and… Jesus Christ! I'm so glad she didn't bring Justin Bieber into it!!

Speaking of "government," let's quickly check in on the national deficit, just to see how we're... OH SHIT. $1.5 TRILLION??

The pissed-as-hell country of Tunisia has issued an arrest warrant for their ousted leader, his wife, and several members of their families. Don't forget Rev. Scraps the kitten! He's wanted on charges of being KA-UTE!

Mark Zuckerberg's Facebook page has been hacked. Okay, everybody, on three… one... two... three. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAAAAAA!!

Toyota recalls 1.7 million of their cars because of fuel leaks. So that's why my car keeps exploding!

Taco Bell
issues a strong denial that their taco meat is comprised of hair, gravel, chalk, salt, sawdust and turpentine. Oh! And meat.

Singer Jimmy Buffett topples face first off a stage in Sydney—which is suddenly far less funny when you remember he's 64-years-old.

Utah is currently debating whether or not to designate a semi-automatic weapon as the "official state gun." In a related story: FUCK YOU, UTAH.

In a related "fuck you" story: Glee creator Ryan Murphy says "FUCK YOU" to the Kings of Leon.

In local news, the Oregonian has some story about Gov. Kitzhaber, his companion, and apparently something shady. Too long, too boring, didn't read.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: After the fog clears, expect a balmy sunny day with a high of 56!

And finally, forget democracy! Aren't we ready for a Christian dictatorship?!? I ANSWER A ROUSING, "YES."

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