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Friday, January 28, 2011

SL Letter of the Day: A Piece of Cake

Posted by Dan Savage on Fri, Jan 28, 2011 at 10:28 AM

A few months ago, my boyfriend of seven or eight months called you about a "problem" he had ("Savage Lovecast 213,"," "How do you tell your partner to lose a little weight?"). To refresh your memory: my boyfriend called me a moldy piece of cake.

The whole issue began when he saw pictures of me from when I was thinner (three years ago) and said something along the lines of, "Oh god! you look amazing there, you are so hot!" This, of course, prompted me to ask, "I'm not now?" Which began a discussion about my weight. Dan, there are no extra supports on my mattress, I am not going to be featured on Biggest Loser, and there is no crane waiting outside of my house to hoist me to an intervention. I am literally normal.

I used to be VERY skinny, I went to college and gained a healthy amount of weight (people didn't ask me if I was anorexic anymore, which was awesome) and then I put on some after drinking and eating the pain away after a bad breakup. I never shed that "pain weight" but the last time I checked no children have fled screaming from my grotesque figure. I also dated plenty of men while at my current weight and I'm pretty sure I was and am still considered to be "attractive." What bothers me is that I am apparently not up to par for my boyfriend's "skinny standards."

Over the last few weeks, I have actually shed some weight, and he noticed and complimented and honestly, I would love to be my skinny self again. However, it gets under my skin that he doesn't see that the things he said on the podcast were hurtful (especially knowing how self conscious I was about my weight in the first place) and has never apologized for what he said or the way he said it. This makes me not want to "reward" him by losing weight so long as he refuses to admit that he was an asshole. To make matters worse all of his friends have heard the podcast and comment on it's "awesomeness" and he feels the need to tell me this, or "accidentally" tell me.

Your advice to him was actually quite good, approaching the issue in a positive manner, not saying I was a heifer, let's get in shape together, etc., but it was a little too late since he had already told me in his own way that I was "letting myself go," or he "was more attracted to other girls," or "was used to thinner girls," and of course, "the rolls are kinda gross," etc.

I suppose my reason for all of this rambling is: Do I let it go? Do I ignore the fact that I feel like my boyfriend was a huge asshole and that my feelings are still incredibly hurt? Do I deserve a true apology? Not an, "I'm sorry you feel that way," but a real apology? The main point of his call was to ask, "Am I an asshole for asking this?" Basically, Dan, is he an asshole, or am I over reacting?

I know you're really busy, but I would really appreciate your advice.

Frequently Annoyed

My response after the jump...

••••••••••••••

Yes, FA, you let it go—let the anger go, let the boyfriend go.

Unfortunately I can't listen to that podcast just now... but if I remember correctly... I slapped your boyfriend around for his callousness and what I had assumed—giving him the benefit of the doubt—was his thoughtless cruelty. But if after being slapped around on the podcast, and after you made it clear to him that his comments were deeply hurtful, your boyfriend not only didn't have the decency to come through with a sincere apology, FA, but compounded the hurt by rubbing your nose in the enjoyment his friends took in an incident that you found painful and humiliating, then your boyfriend is an asshole.

And you know what we do to asshole boyfriends around here, right? We DTMFA 'em. (Not to be confused to what we do to boyfriend's assholes around here.)

After you dump the motherfucker already, FA, continue to lose your old "pain weight"—for yourself, if that's what you want, but not for your asshole ex. And when you land a new boyfriend, be sure to let your asshole ex and his asshole friends know that your new boyfriend is enjoying the new body that his assholery inspired you to get and inspired reward someone else with.

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