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Thursday, February 3, 2011

We're in a Meeting About this "Bruce the Dog" Situation

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Thu, Feb 3, 2011 at 9:58 AM

ATTENTION BLOGTOWNIES, B-TOWN BOOZIES, BREATH MINT TOWELEES, OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU KIDS LIKE TO BE CALLED THESE DAYS:

Myself and the rest of the editorial team are currently in our annual "Brainstormapocalypse WOW" meeting, and so we'll be off the blog for a few hours. We'll be back in full rousing form after lunch, though.

During these Brainstormapocalypses, we conversate on the direction the paper is going, our website, and how we can be of greater service to you Beezie-town Biebers. That being said, you can bet your sweet ass that this BRUCE THE DOG PROBLEM will be at the top of our discussion list.

As you undoubtedly recall from Ezra's post yesterday, the Willamette Week purchased a dog or something, and Ezra's mad because we apparently purchased a dog first or something, and… something about a fox tie? I don't know. I frankly don't read much of Ezra's work.

HOWEVER! I did click on the link that took me to the WW's Dog page, and I was like WHAT... THE... FUCK. Dog Friendly Bars?? Are you fingerfucking kidding me??

People, this bullshit stops HERE, and it stops NOW. I'm all for the usual brand of touchy-feely shenanigans that Portland provides and annoys the shit out of Carrie Brownstein. But when you start bringing dogs into bars—that's HERESY, my friend. One of the reasons I drink is to ESCAPE children and dogs. And isn't anyone worried about the health ramifications of an ass-licking dog, who steps on his own shit, bellying up to the bar? I don't mind destroying my liver with sub-par hootch, and heading to an early grave... I just don't want a goddamn mongrel with his drippy, germy mouth and his botulism-carrying fleas pushing me there any sooner! And so, with that, A POLL.

IS THIS "LETTING DOGS INTO BARS" BULLSHIT A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT OR WHAT?

As always, the result of this Blogtown poll is final, binding, and will be turned into federal law. And while we're in our meeting, feel free to discuss this BULLSHIT amongst yourselves.

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