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Thursday, March 3, 2011

SL Letter of the Day: Everything But

Posted by Dan Savage on Thu, Mar 3, 2011 at 10:28 AM

I'm a 24-year-old straight female and I've just started seeing a great, GGG guy. I've actually known him for some time through mutual friends, but we've only recently started dating.

When we began hooking up, the chemistry was off the charts insane great. He's a great, great kisser, and loves going down on me. This of course, had me thinking that the sex would be great as well.

So we've now slept together a few times and well... it could be better. And when I say "it could be better," I mean he sort of lays there like a dead fish while I grind away. He's got all the moves that could make for an excellent sack session (not to mention being really well endowed), but he just won't... I don't know... move his body. Little-to-no thrusting, and doesn't use his hands very much. I'm the kind of person who gets very, very passionate during sex but I don't think he's displaying the same kind of energy level. Again, he just sort of... lies there. I end up feeling like I'm doing most of the work.

I've tried asking him to do doggie style (with some improvement), saying stuff like "faster, harder" again, also with a little improvement. I've tried pinning his arms down when I'm on top. But any momentum he gets is very fleeting. He sort of looks like he's thinking too much about the act instead of really losing himself in it.

All that said, I still really, really like him. I really enjoy his company, and love lying around in bed with him while he gets me off. But I'm worried this will be a problem down the line. Sexual compatibility is very important to me. How can I address the "dead fish" issue without him feeling offended? Is this going to be a deal-breaker?

Everything But The Sex

P.S. I love your column!


My response after the jump...

···············

Hm...

He appears to be concentrating ("thinking too much about the act"), he keeps thrusting to a minimum, he isn't using his hands in ways that would heighten your arousal and his own...

You might want to ask this great, GGG guy if he used to have a problem with premature ejaculation.

Based on your description of what he's doing/not doing, EBTS, it sounds like he's following the standard-issue advice given to premature ejaculators. To train themselves to last longer, premies are advised to concentrate and pay very close attention to their arousal levels (so they don't get to the "moment of no return" too quickly), to pace themselves as they thrust and/or thrust as slowly as possible, and to be careful about overloading themselves with too much additional stimuli (groping your breasts with his hands, say, while he's inside you). Your boyfriend may not want to risk "really losing himself" in sex because he fears it will result in him coming to soon and disappointing you. It would also explain why he's a different man when he's just kissing you or going down on you.

Ask him what's up—straight out. If I'm right and PE is the issue, you can work on upping the intensity levels, slowly building up to the kind of passionate slamming that you desire. But it'll take time, EBTS—but, hey, it sounds like he's worth it.

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