There's a Ton of Dull White Ennui, Though!
• Amateur reporters Sarah Mirk and Denis C. Theriault combined their negligible skills for a two-part investigation about some boob who smeared dogshit on a bus driver's seat, then got caught. In related news, the Mercury—once a tabloid that's only useful function was in picking up dogshit—has, at long last, evolved into a tabloid that proudly reports on dogshit.
• In yet another post bereft of discernible purpose, Tony Perez aimlessly rambled about hot sauce. Predictably, Blogtown's air-headed commenters giddily leapt into the non-conversation, successfully wasting a few more moments of their lonely lives.
• Proving unexpectedly observant, Alison Hallett pointed out that—despite having 11 fucking years of practice—the jagoffs at the Mercury are still utterly incapable of publishing a newspaper.
• Speaking, as usual, to no one in particular, Marjorie Skinner asked, "Now that we must sadly say goodbye to Winn Perry, it begs the question: Where are the best remaining places to find good quality men's shoes?" My oh my! What a fascinating query, Ms. Skinner! Perhaps you'd be interested in learning that no one gives a shit.
• In the only worthwhile thing he's ever done, Ned Lannamann accidentally started a movement to get Paul Giamatti cast in the next Star Trek movie. Congratulations, dorkwad! Your next assignment: Talk to a something that has a vagina.
• In a largely successful attempt to bore away his six remaining readers, Ezra "Ace" Caraeff posted some video of some TV show about some Portland bands. No one watched it. A few days later—in an unsuccessful attempt to exploit his two remaining readers—Caraeff demanded they buy him a boat. They did not. This imbecile does not deserve a boat.
• In more news of interest to dorkwads, Erik Henriksen proclaimed he's moderating a panel at a nerd convention this weekend. I hereby promise $50 to the first Seattle resident to send me photographic evidence of Henriksen receiving a swirlie.
• Wm. Steven Humphrey wished a happy birthday to his beloved Justin Bieber, humiliatingly referring to the 17-year-old as "Beebs," "Lil' Beebs," and "Der Beeble." ATTN. PORTLAND POLICE DEPARTMENT: PLEASE RETURN MY CALLS REGARDING WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY, PAEDOPHILE-AT-LARGE.
I will return next week, and not one moment before. I urge you to do the same.