The oldest (and most charming) Burgerville franchise still slinging slightly-too-expensive hamburgers, waffle fries, and "seasonal" milkshakes, in scenic downtown Vancouver, is going to be demolished.

In other fast-food news, the 575-pound behemoth of a man who founded and helped shill for a glutton's paradise in Arizona called the Heart Attack Grill, has died. He was 29.

The average Earthling is a 28-year-old man of Han Chinese extraction.

Brutality remains the word of the day in Libya. With no finish in sight for the see-sawing attacks and counterattacks between rebels and Moammar Gadhafi's mercenaries, some fear the insurgency may devolve into a protracted civil war.

The real Billionaire David Koch speaks up. And he says: "Even though my brother and I are bankrolling a corrosive, faux-populist political movement, I'm really not a bad guy! Why, I also give money to help cancer patients! But probably only because I had cancer, too! Because empathy clearly isn't my strong suit!"

Koch's whipping boy in Wisconsin, Governor Scott Walker, meanwhile has issued 1,500 layoff notices to state workers in hopes of cajoling an anti-working-class budget deal from the state's holdout Democrats.

Hoping to appease Koch's other friends, in Washington, DC, President Barack Obama said on the radio this morning that he'd consider even deeper cuts to the federal budget. Republicans plug their ears and continue shouting "out-of-control spending."

Because one good disaster deserves another, Charlie Sheen and his healing touch are headed to Haiti.

A stretch of Missouri highway "adopted" three years ago by a group of Genuine Nazi Hicks could be renamed in honor of... a Holocaust survivor.

Eat plants. Live forever. That is all.