This is probably too quick to make it into the column—this is about something going on this weekend—but I really need an answer. If it matters, I'm female, bi, mid-20s, into kink—bedroom-only s&m stuff—and about 18 months ago I got into the local scene. I live in New York, so there's a lot going on, and I made a lot of good friends.
The problem is that they like orgies, and I, well, unfashionable as it is, I'm pretty boring that way. When I'm dating someone (I'm not currently), I'm monogamous. When I'm single, there aren't a ton of people I'm attracted to. In either case, I'm not into public sex or group sex; it's just not appealing to me. I get invited to a lot of private parties (that turn into orgies) and I hate to decline because these really are good friends and good people. But I'm just happier seeing them at a bar, or for dinner, or basically doing anything except having sex in a crowd.
One of my closest friends is having her birthday party this weekend. Most people do a bar crawl, at least for part of it, but this friend is just hosting a straight-up orgy in someone's apartment. I've canceled on the last few parties, and I think I'm on the verge of pissing people off. I don't want to be a no-show—it's her birthday and I care about her!—but I also dislike orgies as much as dislike being pressured into attending them. And sitting around fully dressed, trying to make small talk with someone who'd rather be involved in the fisting scene taking place two feet away? AWKWARD.
I don't want to poop this party. I thought about going for the first half, while people are drinking but before it turns into an orgy, but what excuse could I give to bail? What's more important than a friend's party?
Wallflower At The Orgy
Here's your question, WATO, rushed into today's SLLOTD slot because birthday orgy party emergency!
This is a non-problem. If you're old enough to be a part of the "scene"—presumably the organized kink scene in NYC—then you're old enough to open your mouth and say this to your friend: "I'm into kink, some of the same ones you are and I love being part of the kink community and I celebrate and honor everyone's individual kinks and I adore being your friend. But play parties, group sex, and orgies aren't my thing. I prefer to get my kink on one-on-one. So I'll be at your birthday party—I wouldn't miss your birthday party!—but I'm going to slip out shortly before the first fist disappears into the first orifice."
If anyone should be able to hear that without taking offense, WATO, it's a member in good standing of an organized group of thoughtful, friendly kinksters. No one I've ever known in the organized kink scene expects everyone in the scene to adopt or participate in every kink under the sun. That's not the way it works, WATO.
To be a member in good standing of the kink scene all a girl has to do is be open minded about kinks generally, open about her own kinks specifically, clear about her own boundaries and respectful of other people's boundaries. The end. You don't have to go to orgies or attend play parties if they're a turnoff.
So go to the party, stay for drinks, wish your friend a happy birthday, then head for the door when spot someone pulling on a latex glove.