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Monday, March 14, 2011

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Mar 14, 2011 at 9:27 AM

If you're wondering why this morning's commute was such a fucking nightmare, you can thank the 8 am-starting Get Motivated! seminar at the Rose Garden this morning, featuring such detestable speakers as Rudy Giuliani, Laura Bush, and a formally cool Bill Cosby. I will admit I'm feeling a motivation to vomit.

Another explosion at the Japanese nuclear facility following last week's earthquake send technicians scrambling to contain the damage. GET MOTIVATED, YOU GUYS! Maybe we should send Terry Bradshaw over there to pump them up.

Survivors of the tsunami have started the heartbreaking work of cleaning up the dead.

Democratic state senators in Wisconsin walk out after Gov. Scott Walker signs his bargaining stomping bill into law.

A military force from Saudi Arabia and other gulf countries GET MOTIVATED! to squash the revolt in Bahrain.

A horrible tour bus crash in NYC claims its 15th victim.

Mike Tyson has a new iPhone game—and no, it's not about how many ears you can bite off in a minute.

Kanye West will be performing at SXSW this year. GET MOTIVATED! to go!

Sorry guys! The first two of Charlie Sheen's live upcoming shows (which should be entitled, "TRAIN WRECK!") are already sold out.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Showers mixed with sunbreaks through the rest of the work week, with highs in the mid-50s. (Ummm... you can't GET MOTIVATED! if you don't get out of bed.)

And finally…

i-dont-think-i-want-this-guy-to-be-my-doctor-28943-1300118575-1.jpg

IT'S "FRAHNK-AN-STEEN," BITCHES!!

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