I am writing to you out of complete and utter desperation. I feel like my life has completely fallen apart and I don't know how I am going to turn it around.

I am a 23-year-old gay man who has been seeing this guy for almost five months. Things have been great, aside from the usual ups & downs of a relationship. I want to point out that before this relationship with "Thomas" I was in a long term (2 year) relationship that ended up completely devastating me. Thomas was very supportive in terms of taking things slow and working on my insecurities. So, what's the problem? Recently Thomas went on a trip with some friends for a weekend, and long story short I got upset with him over some now seemingly trivial issue, but instead of expressing my true feelings to him I pretended everything was okay. This led me to going out and allowing myself to get so drunk & fucked up that I ended up doing meth, selling my body for the drug. Of course then I felt guilty and stupid for doing it... but I also felt addiction taking control of my life.

I continued selling myself for the drug over the course of the next few days, not able to finally come down until I acquired some Xanax. By this point I felt so awful and so low about myself that I didn't want anything to do with Thomas. I didn't want to confess because I knew how much it would hurt. I ended up breaking down and telling him about my drug use, and thanks to the support of my incredible roommate I now have an appointment in a week to start some counseling. But things are complicated because Thomas. Instead of hating me like I expected him to, stood tall and is supporting me getting help for myself.

I just don't know how we are ever going to be able to get over this. I didn't think I believed in love anymore but seeing how he is reacting to my confession has made me realize that he wasn't lying when he told me how he felt. I feel hopeless that I will be able to overcome my addictions (as this is the second occurrence of me cheating on him) and make things up to him. I don't know what to do to start the healing process. Do you think I should let Thomas go? Do you think it's fair for me to ask him to support me through this new crisis when he has already offered so much support? I cry every time I'm with him because the guilt I feel is so overwhelming. I know you'll tell it to me straight—so let me have it. Did I fuck up permanently this time? Am I going to lose this amazing man that I would now do anything for?

Desperately Needs Hope

My response after the jump...

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Setting aside the meth, the cheating, the whoring...

You've only been with Thomas for five months, DNH.

There aren't a lot of 63-year-olds out there who are still with the guys they were dating back when they were the age you are now. Now maybe you and Thomas are destined to be together forever, DNH, but odds are better that you would've lost Thomas at some point over the next few months even if you didn't have a drug problem, a cheating problem, an anger-management problem, and a drama problem.

So let's get a grip, shall we? I can see why keeping Thomas in your life would be motivating—something that might inspire you to get your ass into counseling and keep it there—but you need to get help whether Thomas stays or goes. And you're not doing yourself any favors by obsessing over what should be the least of your concerns right now, e.g. your love life. It wouldn't be fair to you, or fair to Thomas, for you to decide in advance that the very likely end of this relationship would devastate you. Do that, DNH, and then if it happens—if he decides to leave you (which he's likely to do)—your odds of spinning off into another meth-and-sex-fueled shame spiral are much greater. And that's not what you want.

Right? That's not what you want? RIGHT?

Thomas sounds like a great guy—he sounds like a fucking saint—and even if he dumps you, or you dump him (you could realize in a few months that, despite his sainthood, he's not the right guy for you for a whole host of reasons), he can still stand by you, still offer you his love and support, while you work on your myriad issues.

And this is work that you're going to have to do on your own, DNH, and for yourself. You're not doing this work to keep Thomas. You're doing this work to save your own damn life—and that may be good for Thomas, if you two do manage to stay together, or it'll be good for the guy you ultimately wind up with if you and Thomas should break up.

The first issue you might want to tackle with your counselor: How does a failure to express your true feelings lead to meth, cheating, whoring, more cheating, more meth, etc. That rationalization requires some unpacking. Like most adults, I fail to express my true feelings seven or eight times before breakfast every morning, it's been that way for years, and it's somehow never led to the kind of nightmarish, self-destructive, meth-fueled idiocy that you descended into.

That's something to talk about with your counselor, I'm thinking.