Let's start off with some tragic news: Classic and much beloved daytime soaps All My Children and One Life to Live HAVE BEEN CANCELED, according to ABC. Children will end in September, while One Life will be poop-canned in January 2012. But in my heart? PINE VALLEY 4-EVAH!!

Amongst his other bipolar rantings, Charlie Sheen has been claiming there is "an 85% chance I'll be returning to Two and a Half Men." Warner Bros. Television—the company who actually OWNS Two and a Half Men—says, "Bull... shit you will!"

Looking for further ways to sabotage this once great show, the producers of Glee are bringing back the universe's most hated woman, Gwyneth "Just Because She Can Sing, Doesn't Mean She Should" Paltrow. Here's a promo for next week's new ep:

SHE MUST BE STOPPED!!!

Also! Because they have to ruin everything (classic example: their cover of Ceelo's "Fuck You"), the Gleetards will be covering Rebecca Black's "Friday."

And finally, the advertising firm responsible for putting a Walking Dead billboard on the side of a funeral home has apologized. WHAT FOR?? I say behead those dead fuckers before they can do any real brain-eating damage.