FRANK CASSANO
  • FRANK CASSANO
• Denis C. Theriault posted his usual number of stupefyingly boring stories this week, inexplicably choosing to illustrate one of them with an utterly irrelevant photograph of Commissioner Amanda Fritz attempting to shake hands with a newspaper box. ATTN. MS. FRITZ: INANIMATE OBJECTS CANNOT VOTE.

• Marjorie Skinner proudly announced that the Mercury fashion show has devolved into a parade of former reality TV stars. Perhaps next year Ms. Skinner will manage to get The Celebrity Apprentice's Gary Busey to attend; until then, the correct reaction to this "news" is YAWN.

• Professional dullards Wm. Steven Humphrey and Erik Henriksen have reached the point of masturbatory narcissism where they believe even their childish trips to convenience stores are worth writing about. Hot tip, shitbrains: They aren't. Shitbrains.

• Ned Lannamann somehow vomited out 123,402 words about Treme, yet another intelligent television program that you haven't watched, most likely because your mental capacities are severely taxed by the likes of The Celebrity Apprentice.

• Regrettably, it appears Ezra "Ace" Caraeff's welcome silence over the past week or two was not because he was dead. Still laboring under the moronic belief that anyone over the age of 14 gives half a shit-squirt about popular music, he posted a maudlin music video, no doubt whimpering pathetically as he did so.

• Surprise, surprise! Sarah Mirk still refuses to shut the fuck up about bicycles. I will only say this one more time: GROW UP, BABY. PURCHASE AN AUTOMOBILE.

• Alison Hallett tricked a bunch of nerds, geeks, dweeboids, and furries into posting recipes for what they drink every night before crying themselves to sleep in their mothers' basements.

• Courtney Ferguson asked, "How Much Does Blogtown Drink?" The answer: Blogtown readers don't drink nearly as much as one would expect, especially considering their slack-jawed tolerance for this sort of dreck.

I will return next week, and not one moment before. I urge you to do the same.