I'm a 95% gay man, and my partner identifies as bisexual. We've been together for four wonderful years. Frankly, the fact that he's bisexual turns me on. Our relationship is open, and I've enjoyed hearing about the times he's screwed around with women. I like to think that I'm pretty accepting of bisexuals and know a thing or two about them.

My friend R is going through a crisis. R came out as a gay man around two or three years ago, but a couple days ago he had a "meltdown" (I don't know the details) and is again questioning his sexuality, saying he might be straight after all. I was kind of shocked as any friend would be, and I'm doing my best to help him sort out his emotions, and encourage him to find himself (no matter what his orientation is). This leads me to my real problem. Our mutual friend Q is attempting to do the same thing, but Q doesn't believe in bisexuals (that is, he is that type of gay boy who is not a fan of bisexuality and thinks it doesn't really exist). I fear what kind of advice Q may be giving to R. If R's sexuality has swung through both sides of the door this way over the past couple of years, there's a good possibility that he IS bisexual, meanwhile, Q would be telling him this is not an acceptable choice and has to pick a side.

Q and I are best friends, and it hurt, but I found the strength to tell him to back off because his advice wouldn't be particularly helpful. He fired back, telling me that I don't understand bisexuals anymore than he does and I am no better suited to help R through his crisis than he is.

Was I an asshole to tell R to back off? Or is Q the asshole for thinking he knows everything? Or are we both assholes?

Thinks Labels Are Overrated

My response after the jump...

··················

Q is the asshole—at least in this dispute—and I think you knew that, TLAO, but you wanted someone to call Q an asshole in public. Done. If Q is a sensitive asshole, well, he might want to stay out of the comments thread, because I'm thinking I'm not the only one who's gonna call him an asshole today.

And your friend R might wanna read my column on gray rights:

An awful lot of "rounding up" and "rounding down" goes on when it comes to sexual identities. There are bi women out there who round themselves up to lesbian because they're with women or primarily attracted to women or afraid of mean lesbians who hate bi women. (Some of those mean lesbians are, predictably, bi themselves.) Some bi guys in gay relationships round themselves up to gay; a small number of gays and lesbians round themselves down to bi in solidarity or something; and lots of bi men and women in straight relationships round themselves down to straight. (And there are gay men and lesbians—100 percent homos—who identify as straight. These closet cases aren't rounding up or down; they're lying.)

Backing way the hell up: Sexual identity is a combo platter. There's who you wanna do, who you are doing, and who you tell people you are. You can't control who you wanna do—sexual orientation is not a choice—but you get to choose who you wind up doing and who you tell people you are. Don't wanna have a miserable sex life? Do who you wanna do. Don't wanna be a messy closet case à la Haggard, Craig, and Rekers? Tell the truth about who you're doing.

Just because some bi folks round themselves up or down doesn't mean that all bi folks must or should. Indeed, it would be better if fewer bisexuals rounded—it would help end the whole bisexual invisibility problem/superpower—but regardless of what other bisexuals do: R doesn't have to round up or down. He certainly doesn't have to identify as gay or straight to soothe the insecurities of guys like Q. He can be a bi-identified guy who is primarily attracted to men—like, oh, your boyfriend—or a straight-identified guy who sometimes messes around with dudes. (Heteroflexible is the term of art.)

And in defense of labels: a label is a tool, TLAO, a way for you and R and Q and me and Rick Santorum and whoever else to communicate what we're about, what you can expect from us, and roughly who we're interested in sexually. A label isn't a straight jacket we have to wear for the rest of our lives, it's not a test we can fail, and it's not a tattoo we can't remove or alter.

Tell Q to back off, tell R to relax, and tell your boyfriend I said hey.