GOOOOOOOOD MORNING, VIET BLOGTOWN! Let's go to press.

Italy and France will also be advising Libyan rebels—on maybe how to make a pizza or not wear deodorant? I kid! I kid! Pizza didn't come from Italy.

Wildfires are kicking the shit out of Texas, burning over 1 million acres and destroying 170 homes.

To replace the former (and ridiculous) color coded system, the government released a new Terror Alert system today, which will help us PANIC!!! more efficiently.

Speaking of PANIC!!!: "Swimming Bees Kill an Elderly Couple!" Wait... that should read, "Swarming." Lowering the terror alert level to "panic."

The Department of Transportation is forcing airlines to start disclosing all hidden fees on their websites. The airlines are responded by instituting paywalls on their websites.

A plane carrying Michelle Obama was ordered to abort its landing after air traffic controllers suddenly discovered it was about to collide with a military cargo jet. Hey, at least they weren't asleep! (Just incompetent.)

A kindergartner in (where else?) Texas brings a loaded gun to school, and accidentally injures three.

Remember the Rutgers student who spied on his roomie with a webcam, which allegedly led to the person's suicide? That snoop is being hit with a bias charge, invasion of privacy, evidence tampering and 12 other charges.

HEY GUYS! The new iPhone 5 should be out in September! (I know you don't care, but my "Commodore 64 iPhone" is on its last legs.

The Blazers lose TWICE in Dallas, putting our playoff success in serious danger. (From a terror alert standpoint? I'd label this a "swimming bee.")

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Slight chance of showers tonight, slight chance of showers tomorrow, and a gorgeous Friday. (And a 24% chance of "swimming bees" throughout the weekend.)

And finally... OH CRAP. I forgot that today is National Stupid Fucking Pothead Day. Why can't you people just take the advice of the Ninja Turtles? COWABUNGA!