GOOD MORNING, MR. AND MRS. BLOGTOWN AND ALL SHIPS AT SEA! LET'S GO TO PRESS.

President Obama posts his birth certificate online in an effort to finally shut up those "birthing" idiots. (Five bucks says the "FAKE!" conspiracies will begin launching in three... two... one.... )

In a sweeping administration switcheroo, President Obama has chosen CIA Director Leon Panetta to become defense secretary, and is putting Gen. David Petraeus in charge of the CIA. Vice President Biden will become the new assistant manager at the Pennsylvania Avenue McDonalds.

An Afghan military pilot opens fire on a meeting, killing 8 American troops and a U.S. contractor.

Apple announced today that although they do not track iPhone and iPad users, they'll change the way their devices store data. WAIT. Are you saying you guys don't care that I went to Fantasy Unlimited last Saturday night??

Finally, after years of anticipation, the white iPhone goes on sale Thursday. Happy now, racists??

More deadly storms hammer the South, killing seven!

In a very sad (and kind of sketchy) story, a Florida father accuses his 2.5 year old son of shooting his mom.

New (old) Kid on the Block Donnie Wahlberg uses his wicked Tweeting skills to score a Tennessee fan a brand new kidney. Hey Donnie! How about tweeting me up a motorcycle?

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Cool and showery through the work week, but it's looking like another gorgeous weekend!

And finally, OH SURE! President Obama says he was born in Hawaii, and he showed us what he says was his birth certificate, but how does he explain this?? The address that's listed for his parent's residence on the certificate is 6085 Kalanianaole Highway, in Honolulu, Hawaii. But according to Google Maps, THAT'S RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A HIGHWAY.

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I SMELL SHENANIGANS! MAW!! GIT ME MAH SQUIRREL RIFLE!!