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Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Horrors / Books Sexually Repressed Mermaids! Also Wolf-on-Baby Grossness.

Posted by Courtney Ferguson on Wed, Apr 27, 2011 at 2:59 PM

Wake up, Uncle Jacob, its time to imprint.
  • Wake up, Uncle Jacob, it's time to imprint.

This io9 blog post gives me ADD. There is too much juicy Twilight-related grossness to chew on. It should be noted that because I'm the only Mercury staffer who has read all the Twilight books (I hate myself), I'm on the Stephenie Meyer beat. Turns out she's thinking about continuing the series with a story about Jacob (the hot werewolf) and Renesmee (Bella and Edward's poorly named infant). The salient points from a USA Today article:
One question [Meyer] won't answer: Whether the werewolf/shapeshifter Jacob and Renesmee, the human/vampire hybrid child of Edward and Bella, could ever have children. (Jacob is a teenager, but baby Renesmee is aging at an accelerated rate.) "That is a question I'm reserving the right not to answer, because there is a chance I'll go back to their story."

What story you ask? Well, as non-self-loathers you probably haven't read the fourth book, Breaking Dawn, wherein Jacob "imprints" onto this baby. EEEEWWWW. This means he desperately wants some hot baby action, but must wait until Renesmee gets older to get some, so for now he's like her babysitter. GGGGGG-ROSS. Also it should be noted that Renesmee used her talons to scratch her way out of Bella's womb like a vaginal xenomorph, so I'm surprised that Jacob is so looking forward to getting some baby poontang. The kid's a little terror.

Also, Stephenie Meyer is working on a 1,000 page literary pot boiler about mermaids. As Erik put it, it's like Infinite Jest with mermaids... Infinite Splash. I suppose one of Meyer's main sticking points would be solved by using mermaids as the main characters—everyone knows mermaids can't have sex because of their fishtail chastity belts. Poor horny mermaids.

 

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Crap like that makes me feel really conservative. Isn't that the secret hidden agenda? I hate being in a petrie dish of behavioral weirdness.
Posted by El Stunto on April 27, 2011 at 9:19 PM · Report

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