TODAY'S TOP STORY: Sarah Mirk took the day off, but neglected to ask anyone to do Good Morning, News! for her, because APPARENTLY she doesn't give a shit whether or not you're informed about anything.

TODAY'S NEXT TOP STORY: Two people with terrible teeth, who also love spotted dick got married this morning.

OTHER NEWS OF CONSEQUENCE: The awful storms that ripped through the south has so far claimed nearly 300 lives. President Obama is surveying the damage today.

Funding for stem cell research is back!

Security forces gun down 10 protesters demonstrating for human rights in Syria.

Donald Trump is the most "fuck-saying" potential candidate the Republicans have. WATCH OUT, OBAMA!

WORST DAY FOR PORTLAND EVER: Trailblazers are out of the playoffs, and our resident brainiac Denis Theriault is kicked off Jeopardy! What's next? The OMSI submarine sinking?

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Still mildly shitty today... but get ready for a kick-ass weekend and work week ahead!

UPDATE!!! This morning's poll got effed up for some reason and wouldn't let people vote for "two weeks" or "three weeks." Now it's fixed so go ahead and vote with your conscience—which I hope will reflect how much of a jerk Sarah Mirk is.

And finally...