Why did so many people die in this week's Southern tornado apocalypse—even with days of warning that a killer storm system was brewing? Location, location, location. Many of the 150 TWISTERS SMASHING ACROSS EIGHT STATES took direct aim at big and medium-size cities, cities where the houses aren't built with places to hide—places like basements. President Obama has promised federal aid to thousands left homeless, saying “We’re going to make sure you’re not forgotten.”

Moammar Qaddafi still won't move out, but in a bizarre speech says he's tired of fighting and wants to talk things over. Libya's rebels give him the finger.

A top nuclear adviser to Japan's prime minister has resigned, over the government's approach to setting acceptable radiation levels in schools. They're calling it a "misunderstanding."

It's that time of the year again. Right on time for sunshine and bird whistles, the Taliban is announcing the start of its spring offensive.

In other terroristically important news, German police busted up an Al-Qaida bombing plot and seized a stockpile of nasty explosives.

Israel is all, like, "What's up with the new Egypt?"

Michele Bachmann, because she's that kind of politician, says something that's nothing like the Holocaust is, in fact, exactly like the Holocaust.

Kids are rubes. A New York City third-grader sells a 9 mm to a classmate for THREE MEASLY DOLLARS.

Inquiring minds want to know: Did a pair of on-duty traffic cops in Los Angeles make a porno?

In local insanity, a TriMet train operator explains how he managed not to run over a woman who tumbled motionless onto the tracks.

How serious is Eileen Brady about taking on Sam Adams? She says a decision's a month away, but she's gone ahead and started a fund-raising committee just in case.

HAPPY SATURDAY! IT'S SUNNY! RIGHT NOW! WHO'S GOING DRINKING?