This Week in the Mercury


Thursday, May 19, 2011

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Denis C. Theriault on Thu, May 19, 2011 at 9:29 AM

The world's ending Saturday, but Barack Obama tonight will deliver a seminal speech on how America should engage with the new Middle East, which is still filled with as many despots, zealots, and broken American promises as the old one was. He'll be lavishing aid on revolutionized places like Egypt and likely throwing sticks and stones at mean places like Syria.

The world's ending Saturday, but someone else was getting ready to talk about the Arab Spring, even recording a tape... until, that is, a team of Navy SEALs assassinated him.

The world's ending Saturday, but a pair of bombings outside an Iraqi cop station—in an attack that bears the imprint of Al-Qaida (yep, still here!)—have killed 27 people.

The world's ending Saturday, but white Europeans are still desperate to keep control of the International Monetary Fund, now that its director has resigned the post while he stews in a New York City jail on rape charges.

The world's ending Saturday, but the FBI is still trying to persuade the Unabomber to give them his DNA (not like David Crosby) so they can decide whether he also gave the world the still-unsolved 1982 Tylenol poisonings.

The world's ending Saturday, but 94-year-old Zsa Zsa Gabor has decided to sleep through it and lapse into a coma instead. Her feeding tube, a spokesperson says helpfully, was "bleeding... like a fountain."

The world's ending Saturday, but Senate Republicans are getting ready to filibuster the president's pick of a obviously communist, left-wing, etc. Berkeley professor to the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals (which includes Oregon, just sayin').

The world's ending Saturday, but Al Gore is complaining that Rupert Murdoch has kicked Current TV off his satellite service in Italy (one of the rare spots on Earth where people actually watch Current) because the network has hired Keith Olbermann.

The world's ending Saturday, but if Arnold Schwarzenegger really cared about his love child, he wouldn't make them live in Bakersfield, California. Yuck.

The world's ending Saturday, but Harold Camping and his ilk will still gladly take your money on May 22. Also, no refunds!

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