This Week in the Mercury

Tom Bissell Writes What He Wants

Books

Tom Bissell Writes What He Wants

Magic Hours: Essays on Creators and Creation Is a Book of Essays About Things!


The (Un)Happy Hooker

Theater

The (Un)Happy Hooker

Red Light Winter: A Prostitute Is Rarely the Solution to Your Problems



Monday, May 23, 2011

Gwyneth Paltrow isn't Worth as Much as She Thinks

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, May 23, 2011 at 1:29 PM

According to the New York Post, Gwyneth Paltrow's potential recording deal with Atlantic Records crumbled after she reportedly demanded a $1 million contract.

HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!!
(Inhale...) HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HA!!!

Okay... stop laughing at me.
  • "Okay... stop laughing at me."

More after the jump...

HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!! HAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!!
(Inhale...) HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA-ha-ha-ha-HAA! HA!
HA!
HA!

Screen_shot_2011-05-23_at_12.41.47_PM.png

(Wait... now I can't remember what I was laughing about.)

 

Comments (6) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
1
If someone's dumb enough to give her a million bucks for her time, then good for her.

I can't see how she's any less talented than the craptastic no-tones your publication promotes or any of the other parasite infested offal that Sony, Disney, NewsCorp, or Time-Warner serves up still wriggling and steaming hot.
Posted by fahqueue on May 23, 2011 at 1:43 PM · Report
2
Said the asshole with a mouthful of shit.
Posted by TellYourMomToSpit on May 23, 2011 at 2:31 PM · Report
3
Nine out of ten Portland bands suck but that's true of anywhere. It's just that in Portland there is 10x the suck. How bad can she really be compared to all that? Maybe she does still suck but then you pile on all the hipster self-righteousness and she becomes the fucking anti-Christ. I know the drill. Move along...
Posted by Suburban Porn King on May 23, 2011 at 3:56 PM · Report
4
Self Publish! The labels nickle and dime you to death.
Posted by Rosy on May 23, 2011 at 5:49 PM · Report
5
Have her singing about working in logging camps and surround her with a bunch of half-talent bearded bastards in 19th century duds and the Merc will lap up whatever half-ass shit she puts out.
Posted by jake on May 23, 2011 at 6:29 PM · Report
6
Jake does make a good point.
Posted by eastside on May 23, 2011 at 7:56 PM · Report

Add a comment

/images/adoftheweek.gif

ad of the day

The Handyman Pro - Your Honey-Do Specialist
Don’t let our name fool you. The Handyman Pro, LLC is a repair and remodel service provider with over 25-years experience. We cover all aspects of construction and repairs for residential and commercial clients.go


post an ad

All contents © Index Newspapers, LLC

115 SW Ash St. Suite 600
Portland, OR 97204

Contact Info | Privacy Policy | Production Guidelines | Terms of Use