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Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Jun 1, 2011 at 9:30 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! We've got one less bell to answer, and one less egg to fry... so let's go to press!

New Seasons co-founder Eileen Brady hops into the 2012 race for mayor. LET THE SHIT-TALKING BEGIN! (I'll start... YOUR GODDAMN PARKING LOTS ARE TOO GODDAMN SMALL!)

Yemen is on the cusp of a civil war as fighting intensifies in the country's capital, and diplomats flee screaming, "LEMMEE OUTTA HERE!" (Or something to that effect.)

An E.Coli outbreak in Germany has their people pointing their finger at Spain, screaming, "Ach! It ist das kukumbers!" (Or something to that effect.)

Syria continues to murder their civilians, this time killing 33 of them including an 11-year-old girl.

Obama and the GOP continue to battle it out after the Republicans stage their latest political stunt, refusing the President's call to raise the debt ceiling limit. (Note: They still don't give a shit about jobs, or their constituents.)

Sarah Palin's "Magical Meandering Tour"
stops in Manhattan to eat pizza with Donald Trump. Poor pizza.

The National Spelling Bee started their oral rounds today, and (HA-HA-HA!) one dumb kid misspelled "Ibuprophin." Wait... "Iboprofine." Wait... OH, FUCK IT.

Gossip Girl star Blake Lively says that those topless photos of her dashing around the internet are fakier than her real boobs.

WHAT??? PATRICK DEMPSEY IS QUITTING GREY'S ANATOMY?? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (Plop. That's the sound of my intestines hitting the floor after committing seppuku.)

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Tell you what... just keep looking forward to Saturday.

And finally, whatever you do today, be as good at your job as this guy. BAGGING LIKE A BOSS!!

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