GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! She dashed by me in painted on jeans, and all heads turned 'cuz she was the dream. WHEE-WHOOO! Let's go to press.

Maher al-Assad, the brother of the Syrian president, is now thought to be the guiding hand behind the deaths of over 1,300 civilian protesters (and a total dick).

A conservative Twitter group has been tracking and warning young women away from Rep. Andrew "Bulgey" Weiner... FOR MONTHS.

Oil prices spike another 2 percent after OPEC deadlocks over oil production.

In an E.Coli-generated panic, Germans dump tons of fresh produce. ("Ach! Not der sauerkraut!! NEIN!!!")

A new audit claims that VA facilities are a hotbed of sexual assault.

Returning soldiers are charged nearly $3000 in bag fees by Delta! And THAT'S what you get for serving your country!

A bear flies through the window of an SUV killing everyone involved in this shockingly unfunny report.

Dakota Fanning graduates high school! In a related story... YOU'RE OLD.

Guys! Starting today it's FLEET WEEK! Watch out for rising bridges, and sailors who AREN'T REALLY SAILORS (if you know what I mean).

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Still a bit cloudy, but definitely drying out with highs in the mid-70s starting tomorrow!

And finally, yeahhhhh... I'm pretty sure she's not a real sailor. But she sure can change fast! (Is this NSFW? Frankly, I don't know anymore.)