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Friday, June 17, 2011

Frank Cassano's "Blogtown in Review"

Posted by Frank Cassano on Fri, Jun 17, 2011 at 3:07 PM

FRANK CASSANO
  • FRANK CASSANO
While these diarrhetic Mercury imbeciles shit out their so-called "content" on a constant basis, would they do so if there weren't swarms of happy readers, eager to gobble it up? No, they would not. Like a starving, bald, blind runt of a baby bird, squawking for something—anything—to be dropped into its screeching mouth, you, Blogtown reader, are to be blamed for this. Thank you for absolutely nothing.

• With his finger on the pulse of elementary-school pop culture, Wm. Steven Humphrey whined about a drawing of his beloved cartoons The Avengers. As I am neither an infant nor a nerd, I did not read this post.

• Tony Perez celebrated the birthday of bourbon. Let us pray that next week, Mr. Perez will deign to share his shoddily written exposé regarding Zima's Bat Mitzvah.

• Marjorie Skinner wrote a blowjob of a review about some local film. Yes, yes, Ms. Skinner: We're all very impressed you saw a film that was in black and white.

• Sarah Mirk offered a pun for a headline: "Urine Trouble." Congratulations, Ms. Mirk, on your continually impressive work.

• Surprising no one, Ezra "Ace" Caraeff declared that a photograph featuring a baby boomer blowhard in conversation with a drug-addled pederast was his "favorite photo ever."

• Alison Hallett lobbed a final insult to Emily Harris—the former host of Think Out Loud, OPB's daily reminder of Oregonians' intellectual mediocrity. Ms. Hallett—who previously invented a Think Out Loud drinking game—described Ms. Harris' journalistic persona as "frustrating" and "unintentionally hilarious." Glass houses, Ms. Hallett. Glass houses.

• The quite possibly mentally retarded Ned Lannamann—a writer tasked with writing about contemporary music in Portland, Oregon—wrote about a Genesis cover band playing in Tacoma, Washington.

• Courtney Ferguson thought Blogtown readers needed to know that a doddering director who hasn't been interesting since 1991 is opening a night club in Paris. Congratulations, Ms. Ferguson! You just out-Lannamanned Ned Lannamann for the "Least Relevant Post on Blogtown" award. You win shame.

• Erik Henriksen rambled interminably about "Arkngthand, Norway's hottest Game of Thrones metal band." We have had this discussion several times before, Mr. Henriksen, so let us keep it brief: SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH. STOP WASTING EVERYONE'S GODDAMN TIME.

• Denis C. Theriault wrote about a controversial proposal that would allow drivers to immediately identify yuppie shitstains. I am in favor of it.

I will return next week, and not one moment before. I urge you to do the same.

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