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Saturday, June 18, 2011

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Denis C. Theriault on Sat, Jun 18, 2011 at 9:56 AM

You might as well go back to bed today. Did you look outside? Buy a case of something, or maybe an ounce of something else, fire up the ol' Netflix and stay inside until Tuesday. That's when, the weatherman says, we'll actually have a day worth seeing.

Golf remains unwatchable,
even when the president of the United States is using it as a prop for his political posturing. He's out trying to make friends with Republican House Speaker John Boehner. Someone make a joke about "strokes" for me, because I don't care enough to make one of my own.

Speaking of jokes, the future also-rans in next year's Republican presidential primary are gathering for a southern-style grass-roots conference where they'll kiss babies, desperately try to fill the holes in their souls, and generally say untrue things. The real candidates are all out raising—gee whiz!—real money.

Retiring defense secretary Robert Gates
says he's grown "wary" of "wars of choice"—America's leading brand. Apparently we can thank Mr. Gates for shutting down Bush Administration plans for a tidy little war with Iran.

Meanwhile his current boss, Barry-O, it's been revealed, consciously decided to ignore top lawyers at the Pentagon and Justice Department when they told him he'd probably need congressional approval for our vague-but-expensive adventure over the skies of Libya.

In our original "war of choice," Afghanistan, the oil executive we've asked to lead the place, Hamid Karzai, continues to say precocious and inflammatory things about the people propping him up with their tanks and weapons. He also confirms that the United States is in preliminary peace talks with the Taliban about finally quitting the place.

Greece is back with its hand out, hoping to avoid economic pandemonium after already burning through a $160 billion bailout. That's a lot of (insert your favorite Greek food here)!

The federal program that promised to deport terrible felons living here illegally but actually wound up snaring people who just didn't pay their bus fare is finally being tightened, officials announced yesterday amid a continuing stampede of criticism. Reporting a crime will no longer be grounds for deportation, for example.

United Airlines has fixed a computer glitch that shut down its website and stranded its entire fleet last night. Now it's got to figure out what to do with thousands of passengers stranded in sad airports all across the country. Lulz Security?

People of earth! We were not fucking
during the middle of a riot! I know it looks really bad, that picture of us embracing on the pavement in Vancouver. But you've got to believe me.

LOOK AT THIS MESS! THIS IS HOW YOU TREAT MY HOUSE WHEN I'M OUT OF TOWN?

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