Mercury Staffers are Sent on the Worst Assignments of their Lives... by YOU
• Sarah Mirk nattered on about the World Naked Bike Ride. Like a pervert, she took pictures; like a stupid pervert, she left her camera in her unattended bike bag, which was promptly stolen. Ha! Imbecile.
• Ezra "Ace" Caraeff enjoyed a rare, brief moment of success when he attempted to write the internet's most boring post about the NBA draft.
• Taking a break from mumbling about hipster couture, Marjorie Skinner wrote about Mad Men-inspired fashion. As with so much you prattle on about, Ms. Skinner, I simply do not care; however, please alert me immediately if and when there is a Barney Miller collection.
• Ever willing to risk life and limb in pursuit of what his significantly more talented peers call a "hot scoop," Denis C. Theriault reported from the dangerous front lines of a neighborhood squabble between yuppies and druggies. Much like the Mercury's editorial staff, there are no clear winners.
• "Sing it with me: 'Black Betty bam-ba-lam! Woah! Black Betty bam-ba-lam! Woah!'" brayed Courtney Ferguson. No.
• "Meet Portland's 'street librarian'!" chirped Alison Hallett. No.
• With his trademark subtlety, Wm. Steven Humphrey discussed the fact that American Idol is coming to Portland. "COME ON GUYS, LET'S DO THIS THING!" Mr. Humphrey screeched. "I want to see you Blogtownies out in full force, singing the shit out of 'My Heart will Go On' or preferably something from Dream Girls!" Mr. Humphrey, you are the Mercury's Paula Abdul.
• Like a tow-headed midget showing up unsolicited at one's front door to sell shitty cookies, Ned Lannamann desperately attempted to sell tickets to a hippie convention. Shamelessly exploit your readers in such a manner again, Mr. Lannamann, and I will do to you as I have done to countless Girl Scouts: This pepper spray is here for a reason.
• Erik Henriksen: Idiot.
• Tony Perez blamed alcohol for making the world appear "fuzzy." No, Mr. Perez: The reason you think things look fuzzy is because you have chlamydia in your eyes.
I will return next week, and not one moment before. I urge you to do the same.
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