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Friday, July 1, 2011

Frank Cassano's "Blogtown in Review"

Posted by Frank Cassano on Fri, Jul 1, 2011 at 4:55 PM

FRANK CASSANO
  • FRANK CASSANO
Another week, another soul-strangling display of laziness from the dolts behind Blogtown, the internet's least favorite aggregator of aging-hipster malaise and decade-old YouTubes. They're asses for writing it, you're a fuckwit for reading it, and I need to round up some singles to take to Magic Gardens, so let's get this bullshit over with as soon as fucking possible.

• To the surprise of no one, Wm. Steven Humphrey discussed midgets. There's not much to say about them, Mr. Humphrey. To wit: They are a filthy people, but rather feisty in bed. I will give them that.

• What's that, Tony Perez? You've somehow managed to write a post that involves both Ayn Rand and overpriced Uncle Ben's Rice? What an excellent use of Blogtown's resources! I loathe you.

• Denis C. Theriault droned on about "Section 2-206(9) of the charter of the city of Portland." Mr. Theriault, your giddy enthusiasm for stultifying bullshit is both exhausting and humiliating.

• Ezra "Ace" Caraeff's beloved children's game is going to have a recess. However will Mr. Caraeff now spend his time? Toilet training, let us hope.

• Ned Lannamann's "Boat Cop" thread should be retitled "Dipshit Bait."

• Marjorie Skinner revealed that Drew Barrymore might have been in Portland last weekend! Did Ms. Skinner, perhaps, interview Ms. Barrymore? Of course not. Did Ms. Skinner bother to verify Ms. Barrymore's visit? Of course not. Is Ms. Skinner apparently of the belief it is 1996 and Ms. Barrymore is still a celebrity? Of course. Keep up the good work, Ms. Skinner!

• I will waste neither my time nor yours by linking to anything written by either Sarah Mirk or Courtney Ferguson.

• Erik Henrisken wrote not one but four separate goddamn posts about clinically retarded director Michael Bay. Whoever put the moronic Mr. Henriksen in charge of the Mercury's film coverage should be garroted. Or, even worse, forced to watch whatever inane robot movie the waterbrained Mr. Henriksen is currently enamored with.

• Alison Hallett thought people should know her first online alias was the predictably insipid "AliCat123." My, what a clever use of capitalization, Ms. Hallett! Now go back to AOL's "Teen Riot Grrrl Chatroom." No one has any need of you here.

Prepare yourselves, silky seductresses of Magic Gardens. Papa Frank's comin'.

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