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Sunday, July 3, 2011

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Denis C. Theriault on Sun, Jul 3, 2011 at 9:47 AM

Hey, stoners! Don't be surprised the next time that cop who pulls you over makes you stick out your tongue. In a permissive, end-of-days culture that promulgates the use of medicinal-grade pot, the law is struggling with how to figure out which tokers are too fucked up to drive. That means, among other witchcraft, checking for a "green tongue." One problem? It might be kinda bogus.

Decades after his death, the pope most famous for failing to blunt the atrocities of the Holocaust, Pius XII, apparently decided to use his spiritual eminence to cure a random Italian schoolteacher of cancer. Or, so goes the story, at least, by those who want the dead pope inducted into the Roman Catholic Church's Hall of Fame.

"It has a distended beer gut of a belly, a chin studded with whiskers tipped with taste-bud-like sensors and a grunt like a pig’s." Pollution is making it easier for mutant catfish to grow larger and larger—and look and act like me in line at a buffet.

Insurance companies increasingly are making the implicit incredibly explicit: They're buying—as in, buying to own and manage and control—doctors groups. Care for a game of monopoly?

The swiftest, cheapest road to Afghanistan, for America's military, runs through Pakistan. So what happens when and if the Pakistanis decide to close their country to Yankee convoys? The answer: a dizzying exercise in Central Asian cartography.

Hemingway wasn't imagining it after all. The FBI, according to a recent release of the writer's FBI files, really was spying on him.

Our last Democratic president advises
our current Democratic president. Basicallly: Don't blink in the impasse over whether the United States should be allowed to keep borrowing money in order, in turn, to keep paying its bills. Also, says Bill Clinton: Michele Bachmann is "a much better candidate than I thought."

You could feed a lot of people with $11 billion.
Instead, it's all stuck—in the form of precious metals and jewels—in a formerly forgotten vault in a southern Indian temple.

Larry Flynt's daughter,
accused of groping a male subordinate in Hustler's porn retailing outfit, is facing a sex harassment suit.

That last active Vietnam draftee
is finally going AWOL and planning to sneak into Canada with a garbage bag of brown weed.

Human spaceflight! About to be one more thing America merely used to do. Like supersonic flight, taking care of working people, and building the tallest skyscrapers.

Nerd fight!

JOHN ADAMS = FEENY = KITT = DR. MARK CRAIG. JUST IN CASE YOUR LIFE EVER DEPENDS ON KNOWING THAT!

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