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Thursday, July 7, 2011

A Slurpee in Review: Cowboys & Aliens Alienade

Posted by Erik Henriksen on Thu, Jul 7, 2011 at 9:59 AM

LOOK. We all know what happens when aliens drink.

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That tragic incident led to the UN's 1982 Ban on Extraterrestrial Intoxication, a piece of legislation that I think we can all agree was perfectly reasonable. Despite the best efforts of those liverspotted, milk-chugging freaks, we've saved ourselves a lot of trouble over the years.

So if 7-Eleven's latest blockbuster tie-in Slurpee—one inspired by Cowboys & Aliens and dubbed "Alienade"—isn't for those goddamn Martian alkies, who's it for? Humans? I think not, sirs.

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I'm not going to say much about Alienade itself, other than to note that (1) I had to go to not one but two 7-Elevens in order to track it down—the things I do for you people—and (2) While it's billed as "AN OUT-OF-THIS-WORLD BLEND OF STRAWBERRY, RASPBERRY & LEMONADE," it tastes like an out-of-that-urinal blend of kerosene, cheese grease, and lemonade. The only other thing I will say is that after drinking a single Slurpee's worth of Alienade, all I could do in order to come to terms with that unforgivable mistake was to make like E.T. and hit the Coors like a motherfucker. Shortly thereafter, my attempts to make my bike fly were successful, from a certain point of view.

But enough about worse-than-herpes Alienade! Let's talk about why Harrison Ford's so sad.

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Look, Indy, there isn't a lot of middle ground here. You're either stoked about this "being on a cup" business or not.

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You are not. These eyes are dead.

Perhaps realizing that our nation's fine schoolchildren would rather jump off a cliff, yank out their own toenails, or drink a sip of Alienade than purchase anything bearing the pouting visage of Grampa Grumpums, this time around 7-Eleven brought out the big guns when it came to their premium novelty collectible Slurpee cup. And by "big guns," I mean "big gun." And by "big gun," I mean "whatever the hell that laser bracelet thing is from the Cowboys & Aliens trailer."

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Yeah, that thing, whatever it is! (Hey, Cowboys & Aliens/Iron Man director Jon Favreau: Robert Downey, Jr. called. Not sure why.) Anyway, whatever the hell that thing is is back... in cup form! Behold what $6.99 of the Mercury's money will buy you at 7-Eleven:

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Fuck yes it has real light-up action. Finely crafted from approximately 26 pounds of possibly toxic plastic, this cup is, I believe, the first light-up tie-in cup since Burger King's short-lived The Fellowship of the Ring collection of LED-powered goblets, which were painstakingly reproduced from Bilbo's actual LED-powered goblets at Bag End. As someone who has always deeply felt—and will always deeply feel—that not enough cups light the fuck up, it's been a long, long wait... and my new, majestic, and incredibly impractical Cowboys & Aliens Slurpee cup has delivered.

I mean, hell. Look at it at night! It's like what a cup would look like at J.J. Abrams' house!

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In conclusion, Alienade is the worst thing ever invented, and yes, that includes both carob chips and people who ride tall bikes. Also in conclusion, let it hereby be known that henceforth I shall never again drink from any cup that is not a precise replica of Cowboy James Bond's light-up space-jewelry.

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