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Thursday, July 7, 2011

SEX SL Letter of the Day: What Works For You

Posted by Dan Savage on Thu, Jul 7, 2011 at 10:29 AM

Here is my problem. I am a 21-year-old gay male. I am into BDSM and have a lot of experience in this area. The first and only guy I have ever been with (now my xbf) was also into BDSM. We met on a gay fetish website and dated for about six months. Initially, the sex and bondage was purely physical and then after a few weeks we started becoming more intimate. We learned how to kiss each other, etc. That relationship fizzled out and I have since met other potential boyfriends. However, they have all been vanilla guys. I remember reading something like this in one of your posts: "First, being kinky isn't the same as being gay. While some kinksters identify strongly with their kinks and are open about their sexual interests, being into baby bonnets or bondage isn't about who you love, it's about how you love."

That hits close to home. When it comes to BDSM, I have no inhibitions. When it comes to engaging in vanilla sex, or showing affection or intimacy in ways not relating to BDSM, I have a hard time. This is why, in most cases, I have cut off the development of any "vanilla" relationship I might get into. Honestly, I think this may stem from my conservative, religious, parents and the lack of intimacy I experienced growing up. I go into gay clubs and see guys just making out. As much as I would want to be one of those guys, there seems to be a barrier restricting me from engaging in anything that’s not kinky.

My question is how can I get over these intimacy issues?

Kid Into Numerous Kinks

My response after the jump...

·················

Exploring kink with your last boyfriend got you to a place where you could explore more conventional forms of intimacy; you started out doing bondage and SM and worked your way up (worked your back?) to "kissing, etc." So why not roll with what you know works? Meet kinky guys on kinky websites, KINK, play with the guys you're into (and have vetted, met in public, learned their real names, etc.), date the ones with whom you click, and enjoy whatever kissing, etc., comes your way in a context that clearly works for you (BDSM) and don't spend too much time stressing about kissing, etc., in contexts that don't work for you (bars and clubs).

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