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Thursday, July 21, 2011

SL Letter of the Day: Pity Fucking Around

Posted by Dan Savage on Thu, Jul 21, 2011 at 10:28 AM

I discovered your column recently and have decided (1) I should have found you long, long ago and (2) I need your advice.

My husband and I live in a conservative part of the country. We have been in a committed, monogamous relationship for over six years and married just under half of that time. And I, the formerly-slutty bisexual wife, suggested swinging. It's going well, but slower than I wanted. We spend a lot of time looking on CL and AFF together, which has resulted in some meetings and a few odd encounters.

Last weekend while on our way to a "party" we stopped at a restaurant. In anticipation of a night of debauchery, I was sending some vibes into the universe—and I caught someone's attention. The next day, I was someone's missed connection on CL. Thinking it was this guy with a cute girlfriend, I responded to it and let my husband know. Turns out it's this sweet guy, whom I did share a smile with when I noticed him checking me out, whose wife has cancer—like the kind that really is killing you and nothing is stopping it. (I saw her at the restaurant, she was clearly very ill, so I don't think he's a CPOS.) He says he hasn't had sex in over a year and has another year or so of her illness to "get through" and he misses being touched and, yes, fucking.

I told my husband and he says we can't help this guy. I think this guy just needs to be intimate with someone. And I feel like I want to be that person.

I know where you stand on this for the guy—he needs to do what he needs to do to stay sane and stay put—but what about me? Is it wrong to do this just because I think someone should? (I am smart enough to be discreet and will apply the campsite rule to his marriage and wife's feelings, etc.) And how can I explain that to the man I married? (We swing anyway! Why not help this guy who is clearly less dangerous and skeezy than anyone we have met swinging or trying to swing?!!?) I have been emailing the other guy but can't decide how to approach this. He knows I am married and that I am not a girlfriend option. But my husband doesn't know anything past our first few exchanges. I can still cut my losses and run, sort of. So, yeah, could you may chime in?

Can A Nice Compromise Exist Really

My response—a quick one, 'cuz I'm on vacation—after the jump.

···············

Your husband, for whatever reason, vetoed this guy. Which means you can't fuck him—period, case closed, the end.

Well, you could fuck him, of course, but you shouldn't. Because when you get caught (almost certainly a "when," considering the digital trail you've created), you will have violated your husband's trust to such an extent that he's likely to pull the plug on your swinging adventures. And he's your husband, CANCER, not cancer-stricken-wife guy. Hubby comes first.

Here's something you should do: tell your husband that you've exchanged a few more emails with this guy and that you've thought about fucking him—mission of mercy—but that you won't, and wouldn't, do anything or anyone he wasn't comfortable with. Reassure your husband that you're not bringing this up to revisit the issue of fucking this guy. You just want his okay to provide your new friend, once you've confirmed his story (that could've been his aunt, his sister, his niece, etc., with him in that restaurant), with a little non-sexual online companionship. I'm talking about the odd sympathetic email and a little moral/immoral support to help him gets through the next year. (You can't fuck him, CANCER, but you probably know other people who can, right?) No dirty chats or pics, no wanked-out Skype session. Emails.

Do not fuck the guy, CANCER.

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