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Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Jul 27, 2011 at 9:30 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Noddin' my head like "yeah." Movin' my hips like "yeah." LET'S GO TO PRESS.

There are two new plans to stave off the forthcoming financial crisis, one of which is okay, one of which ISN'T. (Guess who came up with the ISN'T plan?)

Sooo... if the Republicans are going to continue to be dumbass dicks about this, is it time for Obama to invoke the rarely used 14th amendment?

Meanwhile the Dow Jones plummets nearly 100 points because of governmental indecision.

Today in "Shut UP, Idiot!!": Sarah Palin thinks that President Obama is just trying to scare people into accepting his plan. SHUT UP, IDIOT!!

Unsurprisingly, Congressman David Wu's resignation was actually a force-out, as he faced incredible pressure from the Democrats and a pending ethics investigation.

The Oslo massacre suspect was a big fan of blogs that said Muslims were ruining everything for the Christians of Europe. (He should've read this blog which regularly states that the Christians of the world are ruining everything for everybody else.)

Norway's PM has a response for those who would attack his country: MORE DEMOCRACY.

North Korea demands a peace treaty with the U.S.—or they'll kill us.

A landslide in South Korea kills 32, injuring 24 more.

A lesbian visiting Dollywood (I KNOW!!) was asked to turn her t-shirt—which read, "Marriage is so gay!"—inside out because it was apparently "offensive."

The original sculptor of the Star Wars Storm Trooper helmets will now be able to sell replicas of them in Britain—NO THANKS TO THAT DICK GEORGE LUCAS.

Crystal Harris
, the former incredibly realistic sex toy of Hugh Hefner, claims that intercourse with the Hef "lasted two seconds." Ummm... he's HUGH HEFNER. He can have one-second sex if he wants.

Microsoft apologizes for tweeting "Remember Amy Winehouse by downloading the ground-breaking 'Back to Black' over at Zune:social.zune.net/album/Amy-Wine...", immediately after the announcement of her death.

In sports, the TIMBERS WIN in a 2-0 bout against Independiente—check out the hot live blog action here from Timbers Checkered Ball Correspondent, Brian Gjurgevich.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Cloudy mornings turn to sunny days from now till at least Tuesday!

And finally, FUCK YEAH!!! ROLLERSKATES!!!

baby-on-roller-skates.jpg

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