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Friday, July 29, 2011

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Jul 29, 2011 at 9:26 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Well I ain't no new messiah—but I'm close enough for rock and roll. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

The House Republicans fucks everyone and themselves again last night, postponing a bullshit vote on their bullshit plan to raise the debt ceiling.

Obama urges the Senate to take the lead since the House Republicans are such incredible fuck ups.

Well, I suppose if the government needs a handout they can go to Apple—who just so happens to have more money than the U.S. treasury. Gulp.

Climate change debunkers get debunked!

Looks like San Francisco residents won't be voting on a circumcision band after all. PSSSTTHHHPPHT!! (That's a spit take.) Circumcision ban?!?

Hustler offers acquitted murderer Casey Anthony $500,000—and no, it's not so she'll kill herself.

Creepy Texas polygamist Warren Jeffs—accused of raping young girls in his compound—has decided to fire his lawyers and defend himself. The guys in your cell block aren't going to like you very much, Warren.

In other creepy Texas news, an AWOL soldier is arrested for possessing bomb-making materials that authorities believe were going to be used to blow up Fort Hood. (Did I mention he also had some child pornography, too? Texans! Pssht.)

Creepy Texan George W. Bush says his deer-in-the-headlights reaction to first hearing the news of the 9/11 attacks were in actuality "a conscious decision to project an aura of calm in a crisis." OHHHH, SO THAT'S WHAT IT WAS.

From the Sad Sports Desk: Former Yankee pitcher Hideki Arabu has been found dead, an apparent victim of suicide.

Amy Winehouse's family believe she died from not drinking enough. WHAT.

In Eugene, Oregon, Walmart customer Sandy McMillin was unceremoniously kicked out of the store for buying sour cream, chips and coffee creamer! Oh... and for wearing a bikini!

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Get your bikini on and your inner tube out for The Big Float on Sunday, because we have three gorgeous days of 80 degree weather ahead!

And finally, here's why you just can't quit Blogtown.

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Art by Adri T.

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