In this week's WW, newsy dude Corey Pein offers his theory on why Mayor Sam Adams decided not to run for re-election. (Don't worry—it's nothing you weren't already aware of.) BUT! Because every WW story about Adams must contain at least one seething back-handed insult (they're still sore about Adams not resigning when they told him to), Pein made sure to stick the following extremely labored metaphor at the end:

On July 31, a Sunday, the last day of what he called a “staycation,” Adams drifted in a blue inflatable raft down the Willamette River past crowds of Portlanders along the waterfront as part of a fundraiser for Willamette Riverkeeper, an environmental advocacy group.

Adams must have known that things would not be the same when he went back to the office on Monday. Two days earlier he had become a lame duck, and here he was, doing what ducks do best: floating.

CLUNK, CLUNK, CLUNK. Pull over! You've got a flat tire! Okay, so as labored metaphors go, that one was purrrr-etty good. But it could've been so much better! HERE'S MY ATTEMPT:

Two days earlier Adams became what we've always said he was: a LAME DUCK. And during the Big Float, he was doing what all ducks do— eating disgusting grubs from the river floor, and lamely paddling around in circles with his ugly webbed feet—WEBBED LIKE THE WEBS OF DECEIT AND LIES HE SPUN WHILE IN OFFICE.

Think you can top that labored metaphor? DO IT TO IT. (You're not limited to labored metaphors about ducks, either!)